Now that I’m back home and life is back to the usual routine, I can start up my regular blog series again. Enjoy:


Why don’t you design a family crest if you don’t know your own and have it embroidered on towels, pillows, and robes? Then have it etched on the glass of your front door and glasses in your bar. It will showcase your heritage and taste to the world. All of your guests will want to be as classy as you.


Why don’t you buy an old car and have it fixed up? It will look so much nicer than some horrible modern vehicle. They have no soul. There’s not any artistry in the car world. It’ll come as a shock to those who know me, but I actually have a vehicle. It doesn’t work, though. It’s a 1962 Dodge Dart, and while the body is not in terrible condition, the interior is another story. I’d love to someday get it restored and painted — either salmon or Tiffany blue — and then get appreciative stares as I go to and from work. Be stylish, reader.


Why don’t you book a cruise to Antarctica? Who do you know that’s been there? I bet you don’t know a soul. Once you’ve been to that icy continent, you will be the most well-traveled and adventurous person in your social group, and isn’t that what life is all about? I haven’t been down yet, of course, because it’s too cold, and I’m chilly when it’s seventy degrees Fahrenheit. I would like to walk with a penguin, though, so it’s only a matter of time.


Why don’t you have a soda fountain installed in you home so that you have instant access to Diet Coke, tonic water and whatever else you like? You’ll be the envy of all your friends when you invite them over to humble brag. Don’t mention the Diet Coke coming out of your wall, just watch them express their endless jealousy as they squint their beady little eyes with rage. Oh what bliss.


Why don’t you have your own wine label designed and put on a custom blend from your local winery? It’s awfully elegant to pull a bottle out of a wine cave or wine chiller or from even a box in your closet. Give them out as housewarming gifts or drink them yourself and smile gently at your custom label, hopefully gilded, glittering in candlelight.

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