In 1989, beneath a Leo heaven, I was born in Des Moines, Iowa. Not exactly a thrilling start to what I hope will be an interesting life. I’ve always believed that my birth certificate was forged and that I was actually born to aristocratic parents in a much warmer climate like Florida — or Guatemala. Had I truly been born in Guatemala, I would have been born under the Mayan astrological sign Taj, but I find both these star signs very fitting, so that proves nothing to further my belief that I’m a forgotten prince.

After high school, I moved to Paris to study baking at Le Cordon Blue, mainly because I could think of nothing else to do with myself. I could have gone to a traditional school, but I’d have rather jumped off a bridge. A chic bridge, mind you, wearing a designer suit. I’ve never been interested in formal education and think of it as a slave ship dragging me to the new world in chains. [Holla at the French & Saunders reference!] I’ve loved France for years and have had the chance to visit more than most peasants, so I consider myself lucky. I constantly yearn to be back along the rues and quays with the fashionable people, the excellent pastries, and the content feeling I get when I’m in Paris. Paris is truly my hometown, even if that isn’t true.

If I’m not baking, napping, redesigning a room, complaining, or working (alarmingly at the same middle school I went to and thought I’d never have to see again — I was good at school, 4.0 GPA and all, but I was not amused that I had to go), I like to write. I don’t have any publication credits to my name, but I am attempting to change this as I type. I finished a novel I’m very proud of entitled Terrible Miss Margo, and maybe you’ll be able to buy it someday. A boy can dream. I’m working on another, too, a tragic love story. I also enjoy fashion, photography, anything that has anything to do with Joan Crawford, travel, reading, drinking espresso, fine dining, ignoring my garden, amateur Egyptology, and laying in the sun. I need a job where those are all tied together. Any ideas?

Aside from being a celebrity (for any reason), my life goals are: 1) befriend Martha Stewart, 2) visit the Barilla pasta factory in Ames, 3) restore a crumbling brick manor, 4) live in Paris full time, and 5) have abs.

Hopefully when I’m old and decrepit (which will not be obvious thanks to plastic surgery), I hope I will have led a fascinating life worthy of the autobiography I intend to write.

Enjoy the website, you’re very attractive. Yes, you!