Why don’t you practice and practice and practice until you can throw a perfect free throw with no practice? (Free throws are a thing, right?) This is not a necessary skill, but it is very handy in silencing the youths. Just imagine how beneficial it’ll be to shoot a basketball through a hoop and win your freedom from the gang that kidnapped you in a slum. Or maybe you find yourself on a game show and your mad baller skills will garner you a trip to Puerto Rico and a new car. Practice, readers.


Why don’t you memorize a handful of poems so that you can show off during one of those open mic nights at hipster coffee shops? Throw down some “Ozymandias” and make them bitches eat it. Besides, you’ll always have something to say when you finally find yourself trapped in an elevator with the boyband member of your romantic daydreams. You totally didn’t stalk him for three months and hire a hotel employee to fiddle with the security system.


Why don’t you put aside some money each month and hire yourself a housekeeper? Not a full time live-in servant, but a person who comes for a few hours each day to tidy up and prepare your dinner. Maybe have their hours extend until you get home so they can make your afternoon tea before they head home. I think it’s civilized to have a housekeeper.


Why don’t you start planning for your garden? I have four monstrously large plots on the farm that I do each year. When I first began, the yields were low and everything ended up being a patch of weeds. As time goes on, I do much better, and 3/4 of the plots were excellent last year. I can’t wait for another sunflower forest and miniature pumpkins and more salad greens than I could ever possibly consume!


Why don’t you swaddle yourself in faux furs, elegantly sprawl out in bed, and spend the afternoon in a happy state of unconscious? I love being productive and I love getting my life and possessions in order, but I adore sleeping. I’m not very good at it when night comes knocking and the small hours of the morning tick speedily by, but once the afternoon rolls around, it’s time for me to happily slip off to dreamland.

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