Monday:

Why don’t you walk and walk and walk and walk until you get high off walking? Is that a thing for other people? I don’t know. I like to walk for hours, and I get into this meditative state and it’s marvelous. Today the weather was amazing, and and I walked twenty thousand steps for the first time since August. My body aches in the most delicious way. That sounds sexual. It’s not. I just really like being exhausted from walking. Did you ever read that horrible book, Anna Karenina? There’s this bit when some rich Russian guy respects the hay farmers because they do honest, laborious work. I always think about that. It’s why I want to harvest hay in Romania. Go for a walk.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you explore another career, even just for fun? I have every intention of being a teacher, and I know that I’ll be an Egyptologist. That’s a given. I’m surprised I’m not already, actually. But, reader, life goes by so quickly. How am I already almost thirty? There are so many wonderful things to do and see and experience! I have lately been contemplating becoming a primatologist. My sister would lose her mind. She’s afraid of monkeys. But I think they’re marvelous, and I have fallen so in love with Jane Goodall. Maybe nothing will come of it…but there is a great ape trust half an hour from my front door!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you change your name? I have never really felt connected to Benjamin. It just doesn’t suit me. I much prefer the name Solomon, which I’m sure I told you that I was barely almost called at my birth. But Benjamin is not a good name for a potential celebrity — not that I’m that irritatingly sure of my future, I just like to plan ahead. I have decided that I will go by AMIN in the future. It’s the ending of my actual name. It’s the name of an important Egyptian god. And, dear reader, it means “truthful” in Arabic. Now that I’m less than 1/1000 North African, I feel I must acknowledge and celebrate my genetic heritage. Call me Amin.

Thursday:

Why don’t you have your own blend of tea made? I think there’s nothing quite so elegant — even though that is something that I often say, isn’t it? — than brewing a cup of tea that you invented yourself. I have been making a combination of spearmint, green tea, and a pinch of Russian Earl Grey. It’s so good and I feel so elegant sipping it out of my monogrammed fine bone porcelain tea cup. Live your best, most elegant lives reader, even if your monogrammed fine bone porcelain tea cup came from Goodwill.

Friday:

Why don’t you get into a social media trend that has long died out? I will never be done with Throwback Thursday. I’m obsessed with pictures of me and the opulence I’ve been blessed to witness. The people should see my selfies and the wonderful sites I’ve seen with my face in it. Like last week’s divine self-portrait at Le Negresco:

They should also see pictures of me last week being amusing or looking my best. I look forward to summer so that I have the opportunity to build up my stockpile of Throwback Thursday images. Share your best life, reader!