Why don’t you eat your body weight in your favorite candy? I just ate twenty rolls of Smarties in roughly three minutes, and I have rarely been happier. When I was eating nothing but a bowl of Cheerios per day because I was suffering from an America’s Next Top Model induced eating disorder, I routinely ate Smarties for my snack. That had nothing to do with anything, I just really love smarties. Treat yourself to a sweet treat!


Why don’t you have your DNA sequenced and recorded so that scientists can use it in hundreds of years without actually needing your bones? I would never have considered this, but in all my years of studying the ancient past, I get so frustrated by the damaging technology scientists have to use to study ancient DNA. I support it, but I understand the limitations. So, why not have it done while you’re still alive? When your descendants discover that you were truly exceptional for some reason, they won’t have to exhume you, they can just download your genes. I think the future is fascinating.


Why don’t you make a curried egg salad and then put it on an Asiago bagel? I don’t think I have ever had a better idea in my life. I go through phases with egg salad. I go for months not having it, and then I crave it with all the passion of my soul and devour it as often as possible. When I started adding curry spices to the egg salad, I was changed as a person. I think I’m actually a better person because of it.


Why don’t you learn how to play an intellectual game like chess? I’m not taking this advice, because I have long since given up on learning the rules of this game, but I regret not being able to play a casual game of chess on the street in Mexico City. It would be so elegant to be able to say checkmate or whatever it is that chess players do and actually know what that means. Learn a game, reader.


Why don’t you build a secret hiding place in your wall behind a painting? I think there’s nothing so elegant as a locked box hidden behind a gilded frame. It’s in all the old movies and detective books, but who ever expects to see one in reality? I’m currently pondering what to do with his weird room I have upstairs. Think I’ll put in a faux fireplace and have a secret compartment above it covered by an elegant oil painting of myself holding my cats. What fun! I don’t have any jewels or secret information to hide, so it’ll probably be a picture of me going ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ with “LOLZZZ” scribbled across the front. Oh well.

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