Monday:

Why don’t you sell a kidney on the black market for some extra cash? I don’t really intend on doing this, but I’m curious if I could be a plasma donor. I’m already in town all of the time. Seems straightforward enough, but will they want any of my diseased plasma? Then again, I really don’t think that Multiple Sclerosis is lingering in my plasma, so it might be fine. I could use a couple extra $50s every month. Yes please. 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you learn to do things on your own? I love solitary activities like travel, theater, movies, and dinner. I know quite a few people who just won’t go and do something on their own. I do not get this at all. No finer company than yourself exists in the world. As the wise, Ru Paul said, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” Take yourself out on a date, reader. Treat yourself.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take yourself to a coffee shop and force yourself to accomplish all the work you’ve been ignoring? I’m infamous for my ability to procrastinate on anything, but I’m proud to announce that it’s been particularly bad lately. It’s been piling up and all the accumulated work has been stressing me out. Yesterday, I spent about three hours in a coffee shop sipping a delicious latte and I got a lot more than usual done, like, I actually did work. It was remarkable. If I have to do this a couple days a week, I suppose it’s a worthy sacrifice. 

Thursday;

Why don’t you schedule a surgery that will require you to do next to nothing for five days? I’m super excited for my BAHA surgery so that I can hear again, but I’m also really excited to have an excuse to stay in bed. I’m not allowed to lift things. I have to keep my head elevated. I am not allowed to exercise! I’ve never been so excited, except for the last time I was. But I’m going to spend three days in bed watching Mexican soap operas and napping. I’ve already downloaded a bunch of shows! Next week is going to be amazing. 

Friday:

Why don’t you forgive yourself for not getting all your tasks done? I am horrible at accepting that I can’t do every single thing I need to do every day. I constantly have this sense of guilt weighing me down when I have chores and work piling up. This week has been bad. I’m not going to get into specifics because I don’t want to relive the incidences, but it’s put me very behind schedule. I have never turned in late assignments in college in my entire life until this week. I’m disgusted with myself, but I can’t help it. Don’t waste energy fighting things you can’t really battle.