Monday:
Why don’t you hang a gorgeous string of light bulbs outside over a picnic table or some kind of seating area? I found some on clearance at Target and I hooked them up to an outlet timer to come on every night at seven o’clock. At that moment, gentle yellow light bursts into cozy illumination and I get to pretend that I’m in a lazy Italian piazza or in my beloved courtyard in Mexico City. It’s a small expense that fills me with incredible comfort.

Tuesday:
Why don’t you build something extravagant in your yard that you will probably never actually use? I’m currently daydreaming of a pizza oven and a lotus pond. I think it would be awfully tranquil to look at lotus blossoms while devouring a freshly charred pizza pulled out of my brick oven. It would be the absolute pinnacle of country living luxury. I don’t follow up with most of my ideas, so this will never happen. I’m more likely to have a pile of bricks and a pond filled with algae.

Wednesday:
Why don’t you go pick an apple off a tree and eat it? I don’t particularly care for apples, but I was at the farm of my financial guy yesterday and he had the most perfect apples hanging from his tree. He wondered if I’d like any, so I plucked a dozen to be kind. I didn’t really anticipate eating one, but I had to run around all night and didn’t have time to eat. Out of desperation, I had the apple. Y’all…that was delicious. Who knew! I thought apples were fairly bland but this was bomb!

Thursday:
Why don’t you drop everything you’re doing and get to the cinema to see JUDY? As a stereotypical homosexual, I have loved Judy Garland from my earliest days. When I was flying to New York City the other day, I read an an interview with Renée Zellweger about how she BECAME Judy Garland for the new biopic. I had no idea this was a thing that was happening, but I had to see it. I saw it last night. IT WAS A SENSATION. Get to the the cinema NOW.

Friday:
Why don’t you do yourself an enormous favor and listen to the new single Harry Styles just released? It’s entitled “Lights Up” and it is what I have been demanding for years: POP. I love all music, reader, truly I do, but I have never been a major fan of that whole hippy vibe with guitars and a shake of a tambourine. Harry likes this and so his first album featured plenty of twanging and I supported him and it was fabulous, but this…THIS IS A DELIGHT. Get bopping, y’all.