Why don’t you hang a gorgeous string of light bulbs outside over a picnic table or some kind of seating area? I found some on clearance at Target and I hooked them up to an outlet timer to come on every night at seven o’clock. At that moment, gentle yellow light bursts into cozy illumination and I get to pretend that I’m in a lazy Italian piazza or in my beloved courtyard in Mexico City. It’s a small expense that fills me with incredible comfort.

Why don’t you build something extravagant in your yard that you will probably never actually use? I’m currently daydreaming of a pizza oven and a lotus pond. I think it would be awfully tranquil to look at lotus blossoms while devouring a freshly charred pizza pulled out of my brick oven. It would be the absolute pinnacle of country living luxury. I don’t follow up with most of my ideas, so this will never happen. I’m more likely to have a pile of bricks and a pond filled with algae.

Why don’t you go pick an apple off a tree and eat it? I don’t particularly care for apples, but I was at the farm of my financial guy yesterday and he had the most perfect apples hanging from his tree. He wondered if I’d like any, so I plucked a dozen to be kind. I didn’t really anticipate eating one, but I had to run around all night and didn’t have time to eat. Out of desperation, I had the apple. Y’all…that was delicious. Who knew! I thought apples were fairly bland but this was bomb!

Why don’t you drop everything you’re doing and get to the cinema to see JUDY? As a stereotypical homosexual, I have loved Judy Garland from my earliest days. When I was flying to New York City the other day, I read an an interview with Renée Zellweger about how she BECAME Judy Garland for the new biopic. I had no idea this was a thing that was happening, but I had to see it. I saw it last night. IT WAS A SENSATION. Get to the the cinema NOW.

Why don’t you do yourself an enormous favor and listen to the new single Harry Styles just released? It’s entitled “Lights Up” and it is what I have been demanding for years: POP. I love all music, reader, truly I do, but I have never been a major fan of that whole hippy vibe with guitars and a shake of a tambourine. Harry likes this and so his first album featured plenty of twanging and I supported him and it was fabulous, but this…THIS IS A DELIGHT. Get bopping, y’all.

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