Why don’t you visit your local home decor stores and absolutely lose your mind on a shopping spree? This weekend I bought new furniture for my living room, and I’m ecstatic about it, but what really blew my mind was accessory shopping at West Elm. I still don’t understand how Des Moines has one of these wonderlands and I don’t understand how I didn’t end up spending one million dollars. I bought some gorgeous side tables, a matching coffee table, a wild lamp, and then a brass figurine that says “cheers” for my bar cart. Truly thriving and living my best life right now.

Why don’t you buy yourself some tools so that you can repair things without having to use an antique handsaw and a butter knife? You’d be amazed at what you can accomplish with a butter knife, reader. I have demolished entire rooms with one. But it’s still nice to use the right tool for the job, so as I work on fixing up my house, I’m acquiring a little arsenal of delightful and dangerous devices. I’m currently obsessed with the Dremel that I bought to help finish cutting floor tiles. It’s such fun and so dangerous! Go shopping at your local hardware store!

Why don’t you engage in my new favorite hobby? Have your DNA analyzed and then scroll through the pictures of your genetic links to ensure you’re the hottest relative alive. I have had a great time with this. I mean the closest one that I’d laughingly call a threat matches .25% of my DNA. Calling my fourth cousin a threat as hottest genetic link is honestly a joke. It’s been a great ego trip.

Why don’t you make plans for emergencies you’re sure you’re going to be in someday? You know what I mean — how you always know you’ll die or get hella injured. I’m positive that at some point in my life I’m going to have to deal with an angry shark. I’m positive that at some point in my life I will be kidnapped by a Bedouin tribe in the Sahara and marry their prince. I’m positive that sometime in my life I will be in a terroristic attack. Best to be ready in advance. Sadly only one of those scenarios is likely. I’d really rather not mind being a Bedouin prince.

Why don’t you sample all of the frozen beer battered fish fillets you can get your hands on to determine which one is superior? My air fryer has paid for itself by cooking me the most delicious fish and chip meals, but the quality of that meal is entirely dependent on the quality of the fish’s breading. I thought I had tried them all and was reliant for some time on Gorton’s…mainly because Antoni Porowski was constantly hawking them on Instagram while looking like he does…but then I found the ALDI ones and life became better. They are perfect. Go find the very best of the things you love.

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