Going to Florida

I couldn’t sleep in at all this morning, because I was excited to flee the cold to the tropics, and because my internal alarm has been shifted from noon to morning because of that working thing I’m doing. God, it’s exhausting. So I sauntered downstairs at around eight in the morning and thought about getting ready. I didn’t actually get ready…I procrastinated for a while. That’s what I do.

So, I made an espresso. Then another, then another, then a couple more. I think I had about six. I was full of energy. With about an hour left to go until we departed, I finally packed my bag and then jumped into the shower. I had to tan before we could leave, don’t you dare think I could leave the house without looking like I made love to the sun, so I tanned and then maneuvered my hair into a delightful askew pompadour. Models worldwide were jealous.

Once the car was packed up, we hurried off to Perry to get Jessica. We made fun of her a bit…as we do…and then scuttled over to Granny’s and then drove to Des Moines. We did a fair amount of singing…as we do, but Jessica’s voice seems to have gone all Peter Brady on us–her awkward tone is unsettling the harmonization. She absolutely slaughtered Jolene, and unfortunately we had to ban her from singing any longer. Maybe, maybe, maybe she’ll be able to rejoin the family choir someday.

At the airport, we all pointed and laughed at a lady that looked like she had a skunk on her head. It was really stupid. People make bad fashion decisions a lot. I don’t. But, a lot of other people do. Turns out she was right ahead of us in line.

Once we had our boarding passes and were through security–not one problem for me–we went to lunch at this little bar/pub/restaurant thing in the terminal. I had some mozzarella sticks, since they were one of the only things sans viande. They were pretty good, but the waiter seemed retarded and there were children on the wheelchair ramp screaming, “YOU STAY IN IOWA!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” They needed a good grounding.

We then got to the boarding gate and hopped on the plane. It was a nice plane. There were some really interesting litter boxes in the Sky Mall catalog. When the beverage cart came around, I ordered a Cosmo, but they were all out of vodka. Gasp! So, I ordered a mojito, but they didn’t seem to understand me when I said mojito. Why, I do not know. So, I ended up with a gin and tonic, mainly because the bottle was pretty. The waitress thought that I would have to be carried off the plane, but little did she know that I can hold my liquor like a cowboy. It was good. I’d never had a gin and tonic before. I kind of want one now.

While drinking, Jessica and I watched the newest episode of Absolutely Fabulous and giggled and giggled. We then danced to Man in the Mirror  and some of the songs on the Joyful Noise soundtrack. We noticed that people were watching, so we toned it down a bit, but that proved to be difficult and as we began our descent we were fist pumping once again. Everybody loved us…they probably hated us. Oh well. Haters gon’ hate.

Then we loudly counted down and landed. People were delighted as we swayed from left to right and back and forth, wailing. Scurrying off the plane, we made our way to baggage claim, marveling at all the big stores and restaurants inside the large airport.

Ma claims that we had never been there, before, but she was wrong and I told her so, she’s still not convinced. Our luggage was delivered immediately (they obviously knew who they were dealing with. I’m a major celebrity…published in EW, read the blogs.) Then Pa and Ma hurried off to get the rental cars and left Jessica and I alone. We weren’t having any of that shit, so we hustled over to the other gate where Gretchen and Hannah would be coming. It wasn’t long and we were all back together.

Gathering our valises, we made our way into the parking garage and spent what felt like an eternity trapped in there. We sat and sat and sat and then Jessica figured out how to play the radio so we started jamming to that. But it was kind of creepy, recalled the Saint Valentine’s Day massacre, so I didn’t sing too loudly.

Finally we got rolling and made it to the hotel we would be staying at: Port Orleans – Riverside. We were only staying for one night and heading over to Old Key West in the morning, I never really understood why, but that’s not important. The rooms were kind of beat up, but still livable. The grout could have used a good scrubbing in the shower, but that was quickly forgotten because of the gorgeous penny tiles in the bathroom area. It was stunning.

We were all starving, so off we went to Waffle House. It’s not classy and it’s not chic, but it’s certainly delicious. We had a delightful waitress who absolutely adored us and all our ridiculous ways. I had a double order of hash browns and a chocolate waffle–I sound like I’m promoting the Paula Deen diet, don’t I! It was tasty. The waitress also yelled at Johnny, the cook, just like Whitney Houston yelled at Bobby Brown. “JOHNNNNNNNNAYYYYY!” It was divine.

We popped over to the Walmart then popped back to the hotel then fell into the bed. We also unclogged our pores.

Good evening.

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