Monday:

Why don’t you write your favorite author a note telling them how much you adore them and want to be their friend and want to be them and want to do everything with them and how you’re definitely not stalking them or want to wear a wig of their hair? Hey Anne (Rice)!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you wrap all of your trees in delicate white lights? This will take time and labor and a bit of money, but it will be so gorgeous when the sun sinks below the horizon and your yard becomes a romantic, twinkling pleasure garden. Do it now before it gets too cold and it begins to darken at five. Autumn and winter are dreadful, make them less so.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you buy yourself a gorgeous golden flask, perhaps engraved with your initials, and fill it with your liquid of choice. I’d fill mine with gin and tonic water if I could keep it cool, but alas, I don’t think that’s possible. Instead, I’d fill mine with water and feel oh so daring sipping it as others looked on thinking I was a terrible drunk.

Thursday:

Why don’t you go online and download some out-of-copyright books? There’s an amazing wealth of knowledge and literature out there waiting for you to rediscover it. You needn’t limit yourself to boring old Jane Austen and Charles Dickens. Read lesser known works by classic authors or find something utterly new. Read them on your iPad. You do have an iPad, don’t you?

Friday:

Why don’t you take up a new exercise regime? Nothing horrific like cycling or hiking, unless you’d like. Instead, take up an Olympic sport and begin training for it. I’ve a strange fantasy of being in the Olympics. It’s not fitting with my personality, so I can’t quite understand it. Perhaps you’ll even make it. Who knows? That’s not important. The important thing is to get thin and to stalk Tom Daley.