Why Don’t You? #59

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Monday:

Why don’t you open a detective agency and solve mysteries all day? I think it would be marvelous to go off on an investigation and wear fashionable sunglasses and sit in a shady car while you watch suspects. Then, you take notes, confer with clients, and tell them, “Yes, sorry your husband is having an affair.” Then you get paid for having a jolly good time pretending you’re Jessica Fletcher. There are clues all over the place.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you hire a lighting designer to come to your house and arrange the installation of new lights and lamps? With the right lighting, everybody looks beautiful, and there is absolutely nobody who looks attractive under a harsh fluorescent bulb. Now, you can comfortably take selfies in any room of your house, not just by a window in the mid afternoon sun. Isn’t that chic?

Wednesday:

Why don’t you send me $1000? I promise I’ll be wise with the money and I send the nicest thank you notes with the loveliest cursive.

Thursday:

Why don’t you go to your local theater — the one with the stage, not the one with the screen — and buy tickets to all the upcoming shows? It is so nice to be cultural and see a play, especially when it’s a musical. You get to dress up, go out to dinner, have a cocktail during the intermission, and then feel a crushing depression when you realize that the stage should have been your home and you’ve wasted your youth. Maybe that’s just me, though?

Friday:

Why don’t you splurge a little bit and go on a nice weekend trip someplace rather far away? Think how nice it’d be to head to the airport Friday after work and jet off to Florida or California or Mexico for the weekend. Fly back late Sunday. You may not be well rested, and you may not be able to afford food for awhile, but at least you might have a tan, a margarita hangover, you’ll be skinny soon, and you will have the knowledge that your weekend was better than anybody else’s.

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