APRIL:

• For April Fool’s Day, I convinced a ridiculous number of children that I was born without bones. I was giddy.
• Ma got tickets to see Dancing With the Stars in the middle of the month, so of course we planned to jet off to HOLLYWOOD.
• I listened to this 1,000,000 times per day in preparation:

• I did a lot of research into people who don’t believe in the moon. Still can’t believe that’s real.
• I made a horrible decision and dyed my hair this maroon color in hopes that it would be a bit purple like Kelly Osbourne. In my heart I knew that it wouldn’t be, but I’d been at a pub and there was a lot of gin on my receipt.
• I bought tickets to see Dolly Parton in London and lost my mind with joy. SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME.
• I was literally millimeters from being in my favorite French gossip magazine, Public. They published a picture of Nicole Richie that I was in the background of. I’ve not gotten over this injustice.
• I said my favorite thing I’ve ever said: “I want to be an Egyptologist. You know, the hot one they put on the History Channel.”
• I made another bad decision, and then all my hair fell off. It was still purple, though. I made another bad decision and bought hair dye remover. Suddenly I looked like I was in the Hitler Youth. I was traumatized.
• I HOPPED OFF A PLANE AT LAX. At that moment, most of my dreams came true.
• I fell completely in love with California again as my mother and I explored Olvera Street, went to my beloved Traxx Restaurant, wandered through the Roosevelt Hotel, hiked in Runyon Canyon, spied on Howard Stern at the Chateau Marmot, looked to the right and saw the Hollywood Sign, discovered the joy of UBER, then returned to the Veggie Grill and Potato Chips. It was heavenly.
• My grandmother died while we were in LA, and that was a mess.
• I attended the taping of Dancing With the Stars, sat in the chair reserved for NeNe Leakes’s husband, and had an amazing time ogling James Maslow’s arms.
• Tabatha Coffey and I became besties after she berated me for ruining Jessica’s hair.

• After a late dinner at The Ivy, we jetted back home to deal with funeral arrangements.
• I sent these Tweets:

• I looked like this: 
• I took these pictures:
  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

MAY:

• I received my first royalty check for my novella, Haskell & Eudora. It was only $4, but I felt very successful.
• I was obsessed, as always, with my favorite reality series, Joan Knows Best. Joan Rivers is perfection. If only I’d known how sad I’d be in a few months. Glad I didn’t.
• It was Tiger’s eleventh birthday, so we cuddled: 
• I fumed that I wasn’t famous enough to attend the Met Gala. One day!
• I went to a painting class, drank a lot of wine, and created a masterpiece: 
• I watched Eurovision, as I always do, alone in my lounge, screaming with laughter. It was delightful, and Conchita Wurst, the bearded drag queen rightfully won. I love that mess of a show.
• I finally found morel mushrooms and I GORGED UPON THEIR DELICIOUSNESS: 
• I ate 4000 omelettes.
• I finally discovered what the smell was I love in Paris so much: BOXWOODS!
• I installed lights outside like a hipster Italian restaurant. I was overjoyed with the result: 
• I had a major panic attack and it was a nightmare.
• Went to a dance recital with Jessica and danced more in the audience than the dancers did. Everybody was impressed.
• I stuffed my garden with a dozen varieties of tomato and massive basil plants.
• The BBC (THE B EFFING B EFFING C!) retweeted me. I died.
• I wanted to move to Transylvania and become a hay farmer. Still do.
• I sent out these Tweets:

• I looked like this. I’m the man in the photo: 
• Edwin looked like this: 

JUNE:

• The end of the school year was celebrated with buckets of gin and line dancing. I don’t remember much of that.
• I bought an ionic hair dryer and it changed my life. I glowed.
• I went to Wisconsin to see some family and hang with my bestie, Bob: 
• Edwin loved Anne Rice just as much as me: 
• I became obsessed with the fabulous comedy, Almost Royal.
• I thought a lot about having adult sized copies made of all of Prince George’s outfit. Still jealous of his pink velvet overalls.
• Jessica and I fled the country and found ourselves in the strange nation of Iceland. We wandered through the abandoned streets of Reykjavik, cuddled cats that we found, went to the top of the Hallgrímskirkja, ate something called a LOVE SCROTUM, and shivered a whole bunch. Interesting place.
• We arrived in LONDON where we fought an army of ants, nearly died in a dark alley in Hackney, wept at Amy Winehouse’s house, attended Egyptological lectures, saw Sir Ian McKellen at a Pride Parade, got turnt up at a Dolly Parton concert, pranced through the Sir John Soane Museum, stalked royals at Kensington Palace, spent too much money at Tesco, went to afternoon tea at THE RITZ, and had a delightful time.
• I sent dozens of angry letters to my credit card companies for not supplying me with a very important chip card.
• We took a side trip to Brighton and we were both changed by how much we loved it. There, we wandered along the beach, explored the boardwalk, lounged in the sun, ate loads, went to art museums, ate more, ate macarons, drank tea, and saw DAWN FRENCH. It was amazing.
• I accidentally took a picture of Jessica using the panoramic mode on my phone and it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen: 
• I took myself to Harvey Nichols to have dinner like I was in Absolutely Fabulous. My dinner cost more than I make in two days and I had a great glass of champagne. No regrets. You must live, readers, LIVE!
• I discovered readymade gin and tonic in a can in the shop.
• At the very end of the month we made our glorious return to Paris. My home.
• I sent these Tweets:

• I took these pictures:

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  

  

  

  
  

   

• I (and Jessica) looked like this:
• Edwin looked like this: 

Get ready for the next installment, we’re leisurely exploring Paris and setting off on an ADVENTURE in AFRICA.