Monday:

Why don’t you get yourself one of those fancy litter boxes that scoop away your cat’s waste automatically? Cleaning up after your kitten is not at all difficult, but it’s certainly not elegant. Think how delightful it would be to just dump a tray or whatever it is that those machines do. I need one, two actually.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you teach yourself how to code computers? It’s a useful skill and will make you look terribly clever. Admittedly, I don’t really know the first thing about computer languages, but I did work through the Hour of Code thing on code.org. I don’t know how I will apply those skills to life, but maybe I will soon have an app that makes me a millionaire. Fingers crossed. Marrying a millionaire would be much easier. I am still accepting applications.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you call your insurance provider and see if they cover hospitalization for exhaustion? I am always so envious of the celebrities and politicians and rich people that do this. I don’t doubt that they are exhausted. I’m not a celebrity, or a politician, or wealthy, but I’m exhausted. I’m so exhausted that I can barely function. This does not make sense since I get adequate sleep most nights, but still, I suffer. Just imagine how delightful it’d be to have a little hospital holiday with an IV in your arm and some telenovelas to watch!

Thursday:

Why don’t you send out personalized head shots instead of Holiday cards? Your friends and family are your fans, after all, and they’ll appreciate that you thought of them on your road to fame. Besides that, getting pictures printed is pretty affordable, even from the nicest places, and nobody is ever bothered by that.

Friday:

Why don’t you take up some new fashion that you’ve resisted? Not Uggs or something stupid like that, of course. I have had baubles, bangles, and beads on my mind lately. [Holla at the Georgia Gibbs reference!] I think I might get some kind of necklace to wear. I rather like necklaces, but they always make me worried that a killer is going to grab it and choke me. I watch too much Murder, She Wrote.