Every year, I do a recap of what I thought, did, and attempted. I don’t know if you all enjoy it much — since none of you ever comment on this behemoth of a site — but I always find it delightful to look back and see if life was more interesting than I remember it being. The end of the year is never very eventful, and I’m forgetful. I’m always amazed at just how much I manage to do, which does not sound very humble, but have you ever known me to be modest or shy? Let’s get started.
- I began the year by swilling champagne at Django’s in Des Moines in celebration of the new year and hoped that sweatpants would die a thousand deaths. So far, my dreams have not come true.
- I made a hilarious joke on the afternoon of the first by saying, “Ugh, it’s been snowing all year.” I’m still laughing.
- My sister and I booked a trip to Europe for the summer with a layover in Iceland. Excitement ensued.
- I pondered becoming an electrician, but later decided the blue collar world was not for me.
- I kept plugging my novella, Haskell & Eudora. Do you have a copy, yet? It’s been over a year.
- Work was cancelled multiple times, so I celebrated by drinking several bottles of wine.
- I had a prophetic dream where I was at the Cairo airport and walked to the Great Pyramid. That one came true in a rather spectacular fashion.
- I ordered Royal Doulton china with handprinted moonlight roses. I became charmingly insufferable like my sprit animal, Hyacinth Bucket.
- I attempted to bring turtlenecks back into fashion and wore an oxblood one repeatedly. I failed in my mission. I looked good, though.
- I decided to learn the leather tooling trade and made several very nice passport holders. I quickly lost interest and wondered if people who run Easy shops are incredibly bitter.
- I mused on my deep love and adoration of Joanna Lumley, who is perfect and flawless in every way.
- I discovered A Thousand Miles Up The Nile, an account of a lengthy Egyptian voyage by wealthy Englishwoman, Amelia Edwards. I devoured it.
- I booked a trip to New York City for Spring Break and immediately wondered why I wasn’t going someplace warm.
- I gave permission for anybody in the European Union (including those not in the European Union, but with grandparents who were) to send me proposals of marriage. Still haven’t received any. Not sure why.
- I sent out these tweets:
- I lost my mind and decided to go for a walk and ended up passing out in a cemetery:
- I tried to convince Tom Daley to either be my boyfriend or share his sweaters with me. He did neither. Rude.
- After a lot of thought, I decided to grow my hair out again and have the glorious locks I had in high school. Like this: I tried to find more pictures and was appalled at the disastrous fashion choices I made in the past.
- I discovered that I was passionate about beets and consumed great quantities of them.
- Dolly Parton was my everything and never far from my mind.
- I began watching The Wendy Williams Show and my life was changed for the better.
- The power went off for a blizzard, and I immediately began drafting my obituary.
- I reminisced about my close, personal friendship with La Toya Jackson:
- I bought tickets to see Dawn French in Brighton later in the year when Jessica and I were on one of European holidays. I wept happy tears.
- I sent out these tweets:
MARCH: [FYI: this was a hella busy month. A busy year, actually.]
- I decided that I should probably go to college at some point and immediately puked when I saw the prices.
- I celebrated Mardi Gras at home by eating an entire cake.
- I had the most cinematic dream about an antiquities heist that involved comedic detectives, drunk Frenchmen in a Cairo prison, and an old movie star. I’m still trying to figure out how to turn it into a novel or a screenplay.
- Finally, I got around to watching Behind the Candelabra and knew that my instincts had always been right: I need a sugar daddy. Please let me know if you’re rich, giving, and interested.
- A hater attacked me on Tumblr and said that Olivia de Havilland should put a restraining order on me. I was beyond delighted!
- I hopped on a train and made my way to Chicago en route to New York City!
- I had afternoon tea at The Drake Hotel, which is always flawless, and I devoured far too many passionfruit tartlets. No regrets.
- After way too much time on a crappy Amtrak train, I found myself in New York and checked in at the most perfect budget hotel: The Jane.
- I had the best time in the city: I ate couscous, looked at the Statue of Liberty whilst brushing my teeth, sauntered through Central Park, explored the Metropolitan Museum of Art, had an Egyptological orgasm whilst looking at Amarna-era art, literally ran through a Jackson Pollack exhibit, my absolute adoration of Impressionistic art returned, I gorged on polenta at Eataly, saw the Martha Stewart offices, yelled “HOW YOU DOIN'” with the people outside of the Wendy Williams Studio, saw the amazing Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder on Broadway, spied on Kathie Lee and Hoda who were sitting in front of me, gawked at Joan Crawford’s old apartments, had epiphanies while crossing the Brooklyn Bridge, spent too much money at Muji, and just had the time of my life.
- I wrote this, and still think it’s one of my better realizations: I felt I had all the world ahead of me, and I could do whatever I wanted with life and find success. And I thought about my recent travels. I’ve ridden across the country from the gorgeous bay of San Francisco to the Atlantic coast of New York. I’ve seen so much and learned so much and explored the three biggest cities in our nation. I’ve climbed mountains, met celebrities, heard wonderful stories from the people I’ve met, been on television, done a million things I won’t tell until my memoirs come out, and had a fabulous time doing it. I’m terribly lucky to live this way and have an expanded view of what America is. So many people never get away from where they’re born. They never understand all that they could have had. They just get along and then die. I find that tragic because there’s so much more to see and do and find.
- On the train home, I watched hours of Joan Rivers’s podcast, In Bed With Joan, and made a promise to myself to attend standup classes.
- I finally managed to paint that hideous bedroom that I never have figured out what to use it for — a writing studio, a painting studio, a gym, a walk-in closet?
- The British Museum, THE EFFING BRITISH MUSEUM, started following me on Twitter and I sobbed uncontrollably. It’s the only place I’ve ever wanted to work.
- I sent out these tweets:
- I took these pictures:
It’s been a busy beginning to 2014. Looking back on it all from December, I don’t recall it being so full and exciting, but am I ever glad that it was. In the next installment, we shall return to HOLLYWOOD and EUROPE!
lets really make March’s stand up dream come true.
Yes, please. Maybe in April or when summer break begins? We’ll chat about it over margaritas.