Monday:

Why don’t you look into buying an acre or so of Saharan desert so that you can build yourself a pyramid for your final resting place? You may not have a fascination with ancient Egypt the way I do, so perhaps you’d rather buy a sepulcher in New Orleans or a little plot on a Caribbean island? No matter where you choose, plan ahead for an elegant death and burial.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you start a Kickstarter fund for one of those bucket list projects of yours? I have always wanted to start a campaign to recover the lost sarcophagus of Menkaure. This beautifully carved sarcophagus now sits on the bottom of the Mediterranean. It was loaded up on a ship over a hundred years ago, but the ship went down, and they never recovered it. I’ve never been able to locate any information on any attempts to find it, but I want to. It’d be such a story, a marvelous chapter for my autobiography!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you go bungee jumping off a very tall bridge? I have always wanted to do this, but the opportunity has never arisen. Even though you are closer to the ground, it seems more dangerous than leaping out of an airplane. At least then you have a parachute. The only thing protecting you when you bungee jump is that cord you’re attached to. I mean, it’s probably not going to snap, but what if it does??? I still want to go. Wouldn’t it be a thrill?

Thursday:

Why don’t you tell your haters to shut the eff up and stay in their lane? You do you, readers. Everybody’s life is their own to lead the way they want, and societal norms mean nothing if you’re happy. What the bleepity beep does it matter what a person’s living arrangement is? Stay jealous. Yolo. (That’s the first time I’ve ever said that un-ironically.)

Friday:

Why don’t you do something wonderful, but keep it a secret? It’s marvelous to have a secret, isn’t it? It kind of gives life a little more pep and zest. Instead of going through the tedium of everyday existence, you know something delightful that nobody else does. Whatever your secret is is yours to choose, but I would recommend treating yourself and not doing something illegal. If you do, don’t get caught; I won’t bail you out.