Monday:

Why don’t you find the caloric value of all your favorite drinks so that you won’t feel guilty when sipping on a vodka tonic? I enjoy a hearty cocktail, but I have unfortunately started a diet. I discovered that I gained about fifteen pounds somehow. I don’t know exactly how, but the scale doesn’t lie. Last night I calculated how many calories went into a whiskey sour. I budgeted my dinner around it. I hate diets. Why can’t I just get my fat frozen off? Well, I can, I suppose, just need to get it done. I’d rather have my eyes shot up with a laser, though. Le sigh.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you go to your local psychic for a past life regression and see who you used to be? I don’t know any reputable regressors near me, but this is one of my dreams. I wanted to have Sylvia Browne do it, but then she died. I feel that I used to be an abbot at Westminster Abbey. I also think I knew Oscar Wilde quite well. Recently I’ve been led to believe that I am the reincarnation of Jacques de Bascher, the lover of both Yves Saint Laurent and Karl Lagerfeld. He died the same year I was born, so…clearly here I am again. He was also beautiful. Things don’t change too much.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you elegantly serve your sandwiches, as the French sometimes do, as an open-faced treat? Exposing the egg salad in your lunch is incomparably chic, especially when served on a gold-rimmed piece of Limoges china. If you don’t have any gold-rimmed place settings, go to any antique shop in the world. You’ll inevitably find one. Be fancy, reader, it makes life worth living. Add a piece of gold foil on top and LIVE.

Thursday:

Why don’t you go to IKEA and buy a row of lower kitchen cabinets, but install them in a sad room in your house as the base for your library? Then, you can buy bookshelves and hang them on the walls above. It’ll be ever so elegant, especially if you buy marble countertops. Think of the charm of seeing your books lined up next to an antique globe and an oil painting you picked up at a Parisian flea market. It’d be perfect.

Friday:

Why don’t you buy a turban to wear around the house like an elegant starlet of yesteryear? There’s nothing more delightful than sauntering around your house like Gloria Swanson. Do you even know who Gloria Swanson is, reader? Educate yourself. Put on a turban, add a jewel, mix a martini, and sit yourself down to watch Sunset Boulevard.