Monday:
Why don’t you make a batch of no-knead bread, get depressed because of an undiagnosed medical ailment, forget about it for a week and a half as it rises in your oven, and then bake it off out of desperation? Turns out, a 240 hour long fermentation makes an even more flavorful bread than 18 hours… I suppose I created a mock sourdough. It tastes great! I added in a bit more yeast, water, and a fistful of whole wheat flour and baked it off last night. I was sure that it would turn out like my mood: BLACK and DISGUSTING. But it was fabulous. I’m taking this as an omen.

Tuesday:
Why don’t you teach yourself how to read in Braille? I’ll never understand how a blind person is supposed to find a Braille covered placard in a zoo, but that’s beside the point. It would be a great skill to be able to read with your fingertips. I worry about going blind a lot. I don’t think I am anymore, but I have my unfair share of vision trouble. So, in concern of maybe losing my vision in the future, I think I’ll give Braille a try. I wonder if they make a Kindle for Braille books?

Wednesday:
Why don’t you hire yourself a private driver? I’m sure I’ve suggested this before, but I still sincerely recommend it. There’s no better feeling than getting emails saying “Dear Mister Benjamin” from your Egyptian chauffeur. I’ve been planning some lovely trips in Luxor with mine, and he always treats me like royalty. It’s such a rich feeling, and he’s such a kind person to have in my squad. Truly makes me feel like a prince. I can’t afford it in America, but in Egypt, fantasy is possible. Anyway, get driven, reader.

Thursday:
Why don’t you do your best to make everybody calm down about politics? They’re a very important thing, I well understand that, but it seems that each person in the country is on the verge of losing their minds. When did everybody get so angry? I’ve been a liberal since I know what that meant, and I never imagined that my own people would lose their shit the way they have. The way both candidates still running have been treated is shameful and embarrassing. It’s also bitter and crude. I support Hillary Clinton fully, but I wouldn’t say it out loud anywhere for fear of being attacked. Perhaps I’m being exaggerative, but it is impossible to discuss and debate anything. Literally anything. Try it sometime. Everything must be heated and vicious. Be temperate, dear reader. Be thoughtful and kind and keep yourself in check.

Friday:
Why don’t you take yourself to an outlet store and shop your heart out? This week, I found that there was a GAP outlet near me, and I proceeded to lose what little shit I have left in me. I now have all my new shirts for Europe and Egypt! I found three nice, exceptionally comfortable, beautifully patterned shirts for the price of one. ONE! It was heaven, reader. I didn’t even look at the denim selection for pants, but I will return many times. That shop might just have gotten me out of my fashion rut