Monday:

Why don’t you spend the weekend as a suburban wine mom? I had the most delightful couple of days staying in Ankeny, sipping on rosé by the fireplace, watching the Real Housewives, napping, and petting kittens. It was glorious to do absolutely nothing. I had plenty to do, of course, but I decided to make a bad decision and really treat myself. It was the best bad decision I have ever made. I can’t wait to relax like that more often once the semester is over!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you also spend your weekend unconscious for three quarters of the time? Y’all know I don’t sleep, but I always dream of it. When I wasn’t watching reality television, sipping wine, or going out for sushi, I was passed out last weekend. It was fabulous, reader. I doubt I will ever catch up on my sleep debt, but science says this isn’t a real thing anymore. Whatever. I still totally believe in it. It was the most amazing thing to just sleep and avoid all of my responsibilities for two and a half days. I was blessed. I need to do that more often!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you send gifts abroad to a family in need and play what I like to call International Santa? Being charitable has a number of motivations. Of course you want to be helpful, but you also love how good and kind and generous it makes you look and how much like a saint it makes you. I used Western Union to send some money to friends in Egypt, and it did make me feel utterly lovely. I wish I wasn’t ballooning like Santa after a million chocolate chip cookies, though.

Thursday:

Why don’t you, regardless of your age, make a Christmas list? Even if you don’t have family or friends to share this with because you’re poor or too old or just don’t celebrate Christmas, it’s wonderful to compile a list of all the things you want but never treat yourself to. Then, throughout the year, you can buy yourself a few of the items, and really truly live your best life. I have a list on Amazon, which I will link you here, so that you may shop for me if you wish. If you’d like to add your list, comment below. Maybe somebody will treat you, too!

Friday:

Why don’t you go to Glamour Shots for a stunningly cheesy picture of yourself and then have it printed on coffee mugs? Order a hundred or so of these, pop some hot cocoa mix inside, strap a candy cane on the handle with a festive ribbon, and then give these to everybody you know as their holiday gift. Or just give them to strangers. Or fill the cupboards at work to bursting with mugs of your face. Think of the joy you’ll feel at the office when everybody’s sipping tepid coffee out of mugs covered in your mug. See what I did there?