Monday:

Why don’t you salvage some old clothes with Rit dye kits? I have two gorgeous shirts that I thought were totally ruined, one with bleach, and a white one accidentally tossed in with colored clothing. Crushed because I bought them in Nice, I couldn’t toss them and let them languish in the bottom of my closet. At Walmart, I picked up some Rit dye kits, and though the process took a bit of time, they were restored. I swear they look brand new. The White Wash has made me religious, reader. Go shopping. They cost like two dollars!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you legally change your name to Lord, Princess, Duke, or something aristocratic and royal? This has long been an obsession of mine, and before I die, I fully intend to be legally named: LORD BENJAMIN DAVID PHILLIPS. It’s just more befitting. It’d be a lot simpler if I lived in a country where you could change your name with ease, or if Queen Liz would just knight me. I mean, we have been at the same parties. (That’s a stretch, reader, but it’s true.) Think of the upgrades on transatlantic flights with that name!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you you go out and treat yourself to something fancy? You’re going to die in a bit, so why not live? Do you ever think about how much misery you put yourself through just to live your life according to society’s insistence that you should be demure and debt free? They don’t want you to be fabulous. Live like Lewis Selznick, who said, and I love this, “Spend it! Always be broke.” Go out and get that iPad Pro or boots from Saint Laurent. Live, reader!

Thursday:

Why don’t you teach yourself some basic clothing repair so that you don’t have to constantly buy new clothing? I felt like a pioneer the other day, I was dying faded clothing, brightening dingy whites, sewing on buttons, and adding a patch to my brand new jeans that had ripped so that everybody could get a glimpse of my underwear…thank Beysus I wore some. If I didn’t have basic sewing skills, I would have been out a tremendous amount of money. Instead, I just lost a couple hours of my life. Well worth it. Be a domestic goddess like me and my should-be BFF, Martha Stewart.

Friday:

Why don’t you take a stroll through the pharmacy aisle of your local big box store? I’ve never done this before, but I discovered that it is a tremendous delight. You can find so many curious things. I grabbed a little box of caffeine pills for like a dollar. So far, I’m not feeling very energetic, but I enjoyed having hope. Zzzquil worked wonders. That shit knocked me out. I also got some muscle relaxer/back pain things to see if it helps my constant body aches. One can dream.