Monday:

Why don’t you get the latest surgery I’m obsessed over? It’s called MiraDry and it uses microwave rays to decimate the sweat glands in your armpits. Isn’t it wonderful to live in the future? It only takes two treatments, but the total cost can be from $2000 to $4000. I’ll surely spend that much in antiperspirants in my life anyway since I have to use that crap that’s good for people who are stupidly sensitive to aluminum. Of all the dumb things to be allergic to. Anyway, I want to get this, Botox, and LASIK all done on the same day as a birthday gift to moi. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Tuesday:

Why don’t you be sure and register to vote before the midterm elections so that we can shut the president up for a minute or two? I’m not going to go on at length about this, as any reader of this blog is aware of my political leanings. The president is an idiot. And he’s a dangerous idiot. And he needs to be reigned in before we are all inadvertently massacred before the next Lady Gaga album. Think of the glorious times we could have without that wrinkled packet of cheese powder!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you start a Go Fund Me for the innumerable miseries that are happening to me? In the past week, the following has happened to poor moi: my dishwasher stopped working, the air conditioning in my car won’t start, there’s a strange light on my dashboard and a tire is low, and I have to save up some money to pay for an upcoming surgery that involves a screw being implanted in my skull. It’s been a weird week. I need cash. Oh and since I student teach next year, I won’t have a single paycheck between June and January of 2020. Jesus.  

Thursday:

Why don’t you go to bed an hour or two early? My sleep schedule is absolute trash, especially because I’m constantly deluged by college work. I’ve been more exhausted than usual, so this week I’ve been nodding off before one o’clock in the morning. For the first time in like…ever…I have been waking up feeling somewhat refreshed and energetic. I’m not going to be a morning person, not ever, but it is a nice discovery. 

Friday:

Why don’t you allow yourself to wallow in abject misery once in a while? Yesterday was one of the worst days of my recent memory. Absolutely nothing went right. I won’t get into my tale of woe, but I got an almost $800 bill at the car place and I about lost my damn mind. I don’t have the time or money for this. I gave into all my depressions, and today when I woke up, well, I felt marginally better. So give into your darkness once in a while, but only for a little while.