Why don’t you set up a little office in your basement in case you unexpectedly have to spend a few hours down there as a tornado blows past you? This is probably one of my least favorite things about Iowa. The weather is ridiculous. Yesterday I swear it was going to snow, the day before it was like a million degrees, and today it looks apocalyptic. It’s nice for a few weeks between each season, but honestly that’s about it! Stupid! And I had to spend two hours doing homework from the top of my washing machine. Dumb.


Why don’t you buy yourself some crystals and embrace alternative therapies for all that ails you? I recently felt like I was seconds away from losing my mind, so procuring some hematite was recommended to me. This, I thought and still feel, was ridiculous, but the idea of buying an overpriced chunk of rock thrilled me to my core. Call me a hypocrite, but those pieces of selenite and hematite have made me feel unreasonably calm. Probably placebo? Maybe real? Who knows…get some. 


Why don’t you have your chakras analyzed and aligned? My time at the New Age shop was such fun. I’ve had plenty of metaphysical experiences — Lady M in Giza, the Halcyon store on the Central Coast, and growing up in a haunted house — so I’m quite open to this alternative stuff even though I feel like I’m a rational kind of person. The healer told me a series of colors and then I had to respond when it felt right. My heart chakra needed cleansing. Who knew? I do feel oddly relaxed still. 


Why don’t you be sure to ask for what you need instead of being stoic? As I type this to you, I am pretty sure I’m high on Vicodin as I recover from surgery. But I have a lot of deadlines, yet I can barely walk down the stairs let alone work on some really important documents for college. So I somehow managed to send my advisor an email and got a week’s extension. I fell asleep trying to reply to her email. I’m so thankful; doing it now would have been disastrous!


Why don’t you listen to Cher’s stunning new album of ABBA covers? I can’t get over the fact that this delightful thing exists. It feels too far removed from reality, but there it is, and I’m constantly blasting her version of “Waterloo.” To be quite honest with y’all, I don’t think I’ve ever heard an ABBA song that wasn’t a cover. Have we talked about the A*Teens before? I’m almost certain that we have. Anyway, Cher should do covers of literally everything. This is insane. 

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