“Dancing Queen” by Cher:
Do you ever find something so absolutely absurd that no matter how real you know it is, you still can’t believe it’s really real? And you start to wonder if you’re living in a fantasy, some kind of alternative universe? That this might all be a dream and that you, in fact, are God? Anybody? Just moi? I am literally telling my sister nonstop whenever we are going anywhere together, “Cher should do this song,” and then I badly imitate Cher singing literally anything. Imagine it, though. Cher singing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus. Cher singing “Fancy” by Reba. Cher singing classic 50s love songs. Cher singing Édith Piaf or Eartha Kitt. Cher singing Cher. It would be legendary. So, when Cher announced that she was doing an album full of ABBA covers, I felt detached from reality. I couldn’t even listen to it for a time because I didn’t want to come back to the real world. I wanted to stay in this land where I manifested musical masterpieces, and I hoped that it was only a matter of moments before Dolly Parton and Beyoncé released a collaboration. Sadly that never happened, and I played the album, and I have not stopped yet. This is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to music. I did not know how much I needed to hear Cher sing “Waterloo.” Like I never even considered it, but now I don’t know how I get up in the mornings without this song. I don’t know how I cook without lip-synching her version. I can’t shower without blasting it on my bluetooth speaker for me and the dozen spiders that live down there. I can’t even go for a walk without “Waterloo.” “Waterloo” is my new favorite song. But, honestly reader, the entire thing is too good. I’m still not convinced I’m not dreaming. And then, you will not believe this, RuPaul tweeted something along the lines of him wanting to open a karaoke bar called Cheraoke and all the performances had to be done in the style of Cher. Can you imagine??? If I had money I would be investing immediately in this business venture. It would be the most joyous club in all of West Hollywood. Think of the drinks and the clientele and the BOPS that would emanate from Cheraoke! It’s too good. The album is too good. We don’t deserve this. Not in this political climate, but Cher has given us a balm to cure our wounds…ABBA…but Cher. And the cover. Wow. Kameron and Chad Michaels have never looked so good.
Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Dry Spray Deodorant:
This is very specific, I know, but I don’t care. I’ve got a story to tell. About a decade ago, my underarms erupted in an angry rash. It was so bad that I couldn’t hold my arms at my side without needing to wince in pain. Of course I found this simultaneously very stupid and very, very funny. It turns out that I have very sensitive skin and it reacts with almost every single major deodorant and antiperspirant on the market. Trust me on this, I think I’ve tried them all at some point. The aluminum compound really messes up my skin, so I have spent years looking for alternatives. I have used crystals that you wet and rub on your skin — they do nothing. I have used baking soda deodorants that last for a good four minutes. I have tried natural products, which work fine but I seem to sweat even more. I have seriously considered getting my sweat glands surgically removed because they were such an actual inconvenience. Well, imagine my absolute shock to discover an aerosol deodorant at Walmart in Mexico City that didn’t make me break out and want to die. I didn’t sweat profusely and I didn’t smell and I didn’t have a rash. And I was sure that I was dreaming and that I would soon wake up to cruel reality, but I never did. Reality dawned when I was going through security back to the United States and my beloved deodorant was confiscated. I was distraught, would I ever find it again? Blissfully, the answer for a while was…kind of. I was in California for a while and found the same brand, but never the same fragrance. I assumed it would work the same, but LOL NO. I immediately started itching and my underarms looked quite angry. I threw the can away. Back home in Iowa, I saw the same one that I had found in Mexico City, so I tossed it in my basket thinking that I didn’t have much to lose other than a few dollars. Miraculously, this works just as well as the Mexican one did — it’s even made in Mexico! I have been so damned happy ever since that can of deodorizing aerosol antiperspirant has entered my life. Honestly one of the best things to happen to me in years. Is that sad? I don’t think so.
Unlocking MacBook With Apple Watch:
It’s not that big of a deal, but the most wonderful technological revolution has been made. I wrote about this a few weeks back, but the greatest treat I ever gave myself was my new golden MacBook. It has been so helpful for me with my academic work because the battery lasts absolutely forever and I can get lost in my studies. I wish I did that more often. When I publish this, this session at Upper Iowa University will FINALY be over and I will be getting ready to start yet another session. I’m going to get to my point eventually, I think, don’t worry. I’m in my senior year, and senioritis is a real thing, and it’s never been this bad. I can’t wait to be done with these classes and have a real classroom of my own. It seems so far away, but I’m so close to being done with this. That’s so absurd. Anyway, that new laptop of mine has a function that my old laptop didn’t have. It can unlock itself automatically using bluetooth and the nearness of my Apple Watch. If my Watch is within a certain range of the laptop, when I open it up, it logs in without me having to type in a password. It’s absolutely genius and I can see this as the future of so many applications. Imagine having your front door unlock itself when you approach because it senses a device on you! Imagine never needing car keys, just the verification of your Watch? It’s so genius. It’s magical the first time the Watch unlocks the MacBook, and it quickly fades into the background to become commonplace. When I was forced to physically login to an older laptop, I could hardly believe how annoyed I became. Is that not ridiculous? It takes all of half a second, but still, I am so spoiled by Apple and their fantastic innovations.
Voting is your moral duty, reader. You surely get enough of that on social media, but honestly, the number of people who turn out at the midterm elections compared to a presidential election are shockingly tiny. If even a modicum more democratic voters turned out, things might go in a reasonable direction again! I don’t have high hopes, but the chance is there waiting for the taking. Now, I must confess something. I don’t like the act of voting because I live in the countryside and I am forced to go to some obscure garage in some village that I don’t even think exists. There is nothing chic there. There was never a kindly old person handing out I VOTED stickers. There was nothing charming about it, but ever since I feel like I let Hillary Clinton personally lose the primary election in Iowa in 2008, I have never missed an election. In Iowa you can request an absentee ballot for no reason at all! Other states, I understand, only allow absentee ballots if you live overseas, in another state, or are disabled somehow. Don’t know why they’re so fussy, but if you live in a state like mine, get your ballot delivered to your house for free. Then, when it arrives, you can leisurely fill in your choices whilst sipping on a good gin martini while wearing a silky bathrobe and letting your expensive facial moisturizers sink in. That’s what I do anyway. The other day I received a little form from some political campaign that had the ballot request information all filled in for me to submit. It made voting the simplest thing in the absolute world. I can’t believe that we live in a nation where such a thing is possible but so few people actually use their vote. It’s absurd really. Election Day should obviously be a national holiday so that everybody can go to the polls, but when we all have the miraculous mail, we can just vote from bed. And isn’t that what we all truly want?
BAHA Surgery Recovery:
This was not supposed to be a nightmare. It was supposed to be all fun and games and telenovela marathons, but I haven’t watched a single episode of anything. I’ve been miserable for about a week now and IT IS STUPID. The first few days of recovery were fine. I was out of my mind on painkillers and nothing bothered me. I couldn’t focus on a single thing and I accomplished next to nothing, but I was honestly fine. Yes, I had an open wound in my scalp and there was a titanium screw drilled into my skull, but I was feeling all right. And then I began to not feel all right at all. It started simply enough, just feeling queasy not really like myself. I assumed this was the Vicodin so I switched over to Tylenol when the screw started to hurt. Lol it’s still been great fun to make endless jokes about being drilled and screwed, but the recovery has not been the same delirium of inappropriate delight. The Tylenol apparently made me feel even worse and I soon found myself rushing for an open window to hurl the contents of my stomach out of. In that moment, the restroom was a million miles away and I felt absolutely disgusting, leaning out of my bedroom window, illuminated by the moon, heaving the little bit of food I’d been able to eat to the ground far below. I felt much better after that, but still. Is there anything really so uncivilized as vomiting? It feels so animalistic. My cat, Clea, who worships and adores me and is basically attached to me loves to imitate everything I do. If I’m working, she’s in my lap getting in the way. If I’m reading she likes to lay on the book. If I’m napping, she’s napping right beside me. And if I’m vomiting, I discovered, she is too. That was unexpectedly sweet, but really she was taking the mirroring thing too far. I was home sick much longer than I ever anticipated. And now, about a week and a half later, I am finally coming back to my senses. It was a dreadful week. And I’m still not certain what was wrong with me. Was it a reaction to painkillers, was it the anesthesia they used on me before drilling into my cranium, or was it just a light touch of the flu? I may never know, but it’s been HELL. I’m looking forward to getting the protective cap on my screw removed next week and trimming up my hair and getting back to myself. I’m sure the end results are going to be worth it, but this has been a literal nightmare.