Monday:
Why don’t you join in on the latest craze that I’m obsessed with but nobody else seems to be doing? So it’s not a craze, but I love it, and you all need to start buying paint by sticker books. I bought one about famous musicians about half a year ago and promptly forgot about it. Last night I did some tidying and came across it and spent a most delightful hour applying minuscule stickers onto the outline of Dolly Parton. It was weirdly therapeutic. I’ve been doing it nonstop ever since. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Tuesday:
Why don’t you deep clean your bedroom? Like…a really deep clean. Like a professional clean. I’ve always been rather proud of my bedroom’s minimalist aesthetic, but it recently dawned on me that I’m not as minimalist as I might have thought. I bought some gorgeously expensive new sheets (on sale!) — don’t worry, we’ll discuss them later — and I realized that I needed to get rid of old sheets and electronic boxes that I decided at some point to store under the bed. To my horror, I discovered that there were several cats worth of hair hidden under the chairs and bed and hamper. I spent a few hours vacuuming and scrubbing and bagging up for the thrift shop and I plugged in an air purifier. Now the bedroom is a divine sanctuary and I can hardly get out of bed. That’s really not that different, I suppose.

Wednesday:
Why don’t you sleep for twelve hours and wake up feeling refreshed? I recently started a long term substitute job and the first day wore me out. I got home, made a snack, and promptly fell asleep. I went to bed at about seven o’clock that night and didn’t wake up until seven o’clock the next morning. I had some absolutely wild dreams that dealt with Borneo and Aston Martin convertibles in Leeds, England. I don’t know what the point of that dream was, but it was insane. Still, I woke up feeling super rested and relaxed. It was a blessing!

Thursday:
Why don’t you treat yourself to a cute little syringe of Botox? Last night I had seventeen units put in my forehead and…y’all…I have to admit, I have rarely had so much fun in my life. And I pride myself on having fun. The doctor working on me was an absolute hoot, I was with one of my best friends, and it was an absolute dream come true. Afterward, we told each other jokes in a pizzeria to see if our newly frozen faces would move. They didn’t. It was truly a magical blessing. Get some toxins in your faces!

Friday:
Why don’t you get some brand new bedding? You might have noticed that I’m slightly obsessed with bedrooms right now, but that’s for the best. Long story short — and you would never guess the reason and we aren’t getting into it but it is not anything like what you’re thinking, trust me — but my white sheets were not so white anymore. I treated myself to a new set from West Elm and grabbed a gorgeous duvet cover and now I feel like I’m living in a five-star hotel. It’s what my dreams are made of. I even stuck an air filter in there. I’m living my very best life these days!