Hell Is Really More Picturesque, You Know?


I woke up this morning and poured myself a bowl of delicious, heart-healthy Cheerios, then munched them down as I read my news on the Internet. The big news that I read today is about Prince Harry in some racist-homophobic scandal or something. Thrilled, I tracked the video down and watched it–and laughed hysterically. Prince Harry is HILARIOUS! When he was pretending to talk to his grandmother, the Queen, I about peed.

Since he’ll probably never be King, he should really pursue a career in stand up comedy. I mean, who wouldn’t go see a Prince telling jokes about airplane food? I know that I would be first in line. Oh, and then he called somebody a Paki and such, and that is supposed to be so offensive. Whatever. I know, for certain, that foreigners love to be called nicknames like Mexican Jumping Bean or Enchilada, so, the media just needs to cool it and give Harry the respect he deserves for being hysterical. Poor William can’t ever act like that because he’ll have to be King and “lead” his nation, but Harry, doesn’t really have to worry about that.

So, I went out to Notre Dame today because they had a guided tour in English and I’m all for learning about the historic significance of monuments, so, off I went. I realized that I’d be really early, and it was incredibly nice outside, so I went to the Champs-Elysées to take a stroll. The Parisians are Obama crazy right now, waiting for the Inauguration, massive posters of him line the streets and magazines with his face are selling like hot-cakes. It is amazing how interested they are in our politics. They never talk about their own for some reason.

I had an hour before the tour, so I headed to the Metro and rode along to the Notre Dame stop, which seems to be a mile underground. You have to climb so many steps to get up that they actually suggest you take the elevator! When I exited the Metro, I was in the middle of the flower market, which was lovely in the weather we had today. I like flowers, and had time, so I meandered around a little while, and I am glad that I did. In addition to flowers, they sell all sorts of birds. Well, the happy chirping of the chickadees and parakeets was some kind of signal to all of the stray cats on the island. There were probably seven strays silently and stealthy pawing around the cages. I was delighted, I wanted to take them all home, but wasn’t sure how I would manage it on the Metro, so I just stopped and petted them all.

I had a bit of time when I entered the church, so I took myself around and looked at all of the art and sculptures and people. It is amazing how old that place is, and how dark it is. I sat down and watched a family sob and sob and sob about something and then it was finally time to go on the tour.

A wonderful elderly woman led our tour. She was really enthused about the church and delighted in all of the minute details, which I found fascinating, but obviously bored some of the others. The group got smaller and smaller at each stop. She had even been married in the church, which is something that they don’t do anymore, but on rare occasions.

The choir area was open today, which doesn’t happen very often she said, so we got to go in there and see some very, very old woodcarvings which were lovely. I had the distinct displeasure to stand next to a gentleman who smelled incredibly unpleasant. He smelled of sulfur. Come to think of it, he was probably the Devil incarnate infiltrating the Godliness of the Church, or not, maybe he just had gas. If the Devil incarnate was there, it was the two Mormon women with their handmade dresses and bizarre Jackie O pillbox hats. They never spoke, they just smiled serenely with impossibly wide eyes taking nothing in. Then there was this other guy who tried to finish the guide’s sentences, but was always wrong. He didn’t like me much because I couldn’t help but laugh every time this happened.

We continued on the tour and there were these giant candles that were taller than me. They had been made for Napoleon’s coronation, which had taken place in the church. We all got to stand on the spot where he had been crowned , which did nothing good for my already enormous ego.

Around the exterior of the choir are these incredibly detailed wood carvings. One side depicts Christ’s resurrection and the other shows the birth of Christ. They still had the nativity scene up, and it was really amazing. Not the nativity scene, that was dull, but they had computerized lights on the wood carvings. These lights were very specific and would only light up certain areas of the carving at a time so it made it look like a projection, but it wasn’t. I can’t write how neat it was, so it probably sounds rather dull to you.

Next, we went outside. The sun was shining brightly for the first time all year and it made the church look like it was glowing which was a really neat effect. Our guide showed us all of the funny little carvings that we wouldn’t have known about otherwise. For instance, one of the statues has no head, he’s holding it in his hands. Supposedly his head had been chopped off, but he wasn’t ready to die, so he picked it up and walked ten miles before he collapsed. It isn’t true, but it’s still a good story.

Then, she showed us the story of HELL carved over the main entrance, I had never noticed it before, so I’m glad that she pointed it out. “It is truly more of a photographers delight…Hell. I mean it is so much more picturesque with all the demons. Heaven is always depicted so uninterestingly and typical…serenity and holiness…Hell is much nicer…artistically.” I laughed very hard when she said this, but nobody else did. She laughed too, I think we must have had the same sense of humor.

One of the huge carvings over the door is from a previous church that stood even before Notre Dame was built. It was ancient! That was neat, and then the tour was over.

Some of the people stood around and talked for awhile, so I did, I had nothing better to do. The wife of the man who had kept trying to finish the guide’s sentences, used to be a school teacher. Her experience at disciplining children came back in the most hilarious, I believe sporadic way. At that moment, the rudest beggar in all of Paris came up to us and began screaming “SPEAK ENGLISH?! SPEAK ENGLISH!?” I just ignored her, but the teacher woman yelled repeatedly back at her, “YOU ARE INTERRUPTING!” I was enthralled. The beggar was obviously shocked, so she started to yell at our guide, “SPEAK ENGLISH!? SPEAK ENGLISH!” The guide tried to ignore her, but she wouldn’t stop, and she yelled back, “EN FRANCE, ON PARLE FRANCAIS, MADAME!” (In France, we speak French, Madam!) I couldn’t stop laughing, it was the funniest thing that I had yet heard in France.

I was in such good spirits from that experience that I didn’t even mind that the towers were closed, so I just went home.

Mom sent me an email about a dream job, and I’m not going to tell you about it yet because you’ll want to do it too, and I don’t need any more competition, so I am going to make my application video tomorrow. Then I ate some spaghetti.

Needing to catch up on my 30 Rock viewing, I went to the NBC website to see what the most recent episode was. It was then that I had the severe displeasure of seeing the new shows in development for next season. A show about Merlin, really? One about some doctor who can hear people’s thoughts? Please! I tire so quickly of all of this “comedy” and “drama”. NBC is in the crapper and only 30 Rock can save it. Nothing is good there. Kath & Kim is alright, but it is an insult to the original Australian masterpiece we ripped off to get it. And don’t even get me started on the monumental disaster that is Saturday Night Live. That show is just insulting to the public and to common decency. Seeing all of this crap, I have decided to try and write a TV show I’ve had in my head for awhile. Again, I’m not going to tell you about it because the talentless teams at NBC could possibly read it and then make it stupid, so, yeah. I’ll sell it to CBS…or NBC if the price is right…I’m moderately funny. I mean I have written some things that have made me laugh.

No matter…I’m going to bed now. I don’t think I’ll go anywhere tomorrow. I have some work I need to get finished here.

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