Hooker Attack!

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How many of you have every been assaulted by a hooker? None? I didn’t think so, well, after today, I can cross that off of my list of things to do before I die. But, I’ll elaborate more on this later.

Last night, before I fell into the world of dreams and snores, I found something priceless. For years and years I have scoured the Internet for an episode of The Lucy Show costarring Joan Crawford. Every time, my search yields no results. People on IMDB said that it was lost, that I would never see it. Each time I find a DVD of The Lucy Show, I look frantically down the list looking for the Joan Crawford episode, but never find it. Last night, though, I stumbled across it on YouTube while looking for Carol Burnett parodies of Norma Desmond. I was so happy that I was afraid to watch it, but I clicked play and immediately started to laugh. It was very, very funny, and wonderful to see Joan on the show. Joan Crawford will always be one of my favorite actresses, since her death, her name has been drug through the mud, but she has always been my symbol of the grace and mystique of old Hollywood. Now that I had seen it, and could die happy, I went to sleep.

When I woke up, I was very happy to see the electricity was still running. Then, I realized that I have exactly two months left in Paris. My plane for Des Moines leaves on the 25th of March. The first month has both felt like it has flown buy and taken forever.

As I was munching on my bowl of Cheerios, I heard the sounds of trumpets coming from outside. I went over to my window, opened them, and jumped when I heard a very loud and very out of tune rendition of When the Saints Go Marching In by several trumpets on the street below. I really have no idea why they were there, but it got annoying after awhile, so I shut the window and went back to my Cheerios.

I then spent hours watching The Graham Norton Show on YouTube. That is one of the shows that I have missed the most since I arrived in Europe. It is a late night talk show on the BBC. They talked about the website, www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com which made me laugh, as it is one of my favorite places on the Internet.

I decided to go to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur this afternoon because there is a massive and stunning view of the city from the hill it is situated upon. So, I went and got dressed. My pants have become about a size too large since I’ve gotten here, and I don’t have a belt, so that’s annoying and delightful at the same time. I’m going to have to go to the GAP and buy some new jeans, I suppose.

On the train, there was a man with horrible dandruff that he was combing out of his hair. After he did this, he would take the comb and whack it against the door of the train, sending the flakes of his scalp all over the train. Everybody was disgusted. We all watched in fascination as he pulled out a lighter and cigarette wondering if he would dare smoke on the train. He didn’t. We were both relieved and disappointed.

When I transferred, I met a British family who lived near Manchester, England. They were all very friendly and funny, and were going to the same place as me, so we walked together. They wanted to see the Moulin Rouge first, so we got off two stops early to see the historic sight. Everybody around us was so excited to see the building, as if they were expecting Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor to pop out onto the windmill turning above us.

We all laughed hysterically as we passed by the sex superstores. We stopped and had a giggle at the window of the Erotica Museum. Seriously, not one person passed the window without bursting out in laughter. I’m not going to say why, it was hilarious and disgusting. If you’ve seen it, you know what it is.

As I was talking to Liz and Henry, they were the kids of the family, about my age, we were assaulted by hookers. This horrible woman, dressed as some kind of Elvira lookalike, grabbed us from behind and started to shove us into a strip club. We were all horrified, the parents started to yell at the freakishly strong hooker, and we broke off and ran away, squealing with horror and laughter. I realized then, that the incident will make a hilarious addition to the book version of this blog I want to publish.

A beggar asked us for money, and I responded in my usual German, they all took this to be the height of comedic genius for some reason, so every time we were confronted by a bum, we all started to speak in broken German, it was rather funny.

As we continued down the sidewalk, we passed a really badly dressed transvestite. I mean, he didn’t even try. It was basically a man in a miniskirt, not even makeup or stilettos. I was sad that he had let himself go…

It began to rain, so we walked a bit faster up the hundreds of steps to the top of the Montmartre Butte, which is just a massive hill. It is very dangerous when wet, so we were all slipping a little bit. I was excited to see green grass, because there aren’t any plants near where I live.

It was neat to see blue arrows painted in random places along the way up the stairs, they looked like vandalism, but they were from the movie, Amèlie. I took a few pictures of them.

When we finally made it to the top, we stared for a long time out at the city spread below us. You can see almost half of Paris from this vantage point. It is truly beautiful, but all my pictures turned out blurry due to the rain, which was really sad.

We went into the church, which is one of the most beautiful in Paris, both inside and out. A huge mural of Jesus is spread over the ceiling, and the ceiling goes up and up and up. There is a tour of the dome, but I was too late for it.

I was getting hungry, and it was getting late, so I said goodbye to the West’s. Their hotel was near there, so they weren’t going back to the Metro.

I walked down the steps, my glasses soon becoming covered with splashes of rain, obscuring my vision. It was then, that I realized that I was trapped. Somehow, they had locked both gates with me inside. I felt like an animal in a zoo for some time until I found some other people trying to get out. I watched them stand on a bench and jump over the fence, so I did the same. I definitely got my workout today.

On the train were police officers with pistols. Guns make me uncomfortable.

Back home in the apartment, I warmed up some leftovers and watched the movie Thank You For Smoking, which turned out to be a lot funnier than I thought it would be. Katie Holmes is pretty risque for a Scientologist…

Well, school is tomorrow afternoon, so I’d better get to sleep.

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