Londontown Day 2

I woke up this morning a little before 10 o’clock, ready to hit the town. Last night, I had prepared a list of things I wanted to accomplish today. As all lists do, almost none of the things on it were achieved, but it really wasn’t my fault this time!

I made it to the train and was almost to Oxford Circus, which is where the Apple Store and Topman is. We pulled into the station right before Oxford Circus, full of smiles, waiting for more and more smiling passengers to join the train. Our smiles faded when the train came to a halt and people began to beat on the windows, yelling and pointing under the train. Not on every train, no, just under the coach I was on. My first thought was, “Is it a baby? Oh, I hope it’s not a baby, how awful! I hope it’s a baby…what a great story–no…I hope it’s not a baby. OH MY GOD, IT’S A BOMB!” I was not prepared to die, but the faces of the people outside of the train gave me the distinct impression that we were all going to be small bits of flesh in bone within seconds. An alarm started to sound, bells started ringing, and then the kind voice of the Metro lady came on, “Your attention, please. Due to a reported emergency, we need to evacuate the station as quickly as possible. Thank you.”

Finally, the doors flew open and we all ran frantically out of the station. I looked under the train on my way out, trying to look as afraid as everybody else, I just couldn’t hide my curiosity, but I couldn’t see a mangled corpse of a baby or a homeless man or even a bomb, so, I lost all of my fear and was just annoyed.

As I left the stairs, the gates slammed shut and they closed the entire freaking line. The Central line connects to everything, and takes me back to the connection to my hotel. So, I was like, where the Hell am I? Then, I got shoved out of the way by a crowd of police and firefighters and crowd control and special police all running like mad to the train. Maybe there was a bomb…?

Anywhere, where the Hell am I? I looked on my iPod to see where the next Underground station might be and headed off in that direction. I don’t know how far I had walked or for how long, but I was starving. I hadn’t yet had breakfast, and it was approaching 1 o’clock in the afternoon. I saw a Subway and a Fish & Chip shop next to each other. It was a very difficult decision for me to make. Either have a lovely toasted chicken sandwich or quintessentially British fried fish? I chose the fish, but I had to go to an ATM to get money, they didn’t accept cards…idiots. So, I waited in line and got my money. I may or may not have been charged a fee, it couldn’t really tell me. So, who knows? I got a piece of haddock which was bigger than my head.

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It was all going very well until it fell apart. The fish fell into a hundred little pieces of breaded flesh, which was easy to eat for awhile with the wooden fork they gave me. But, when the pieces got very small, I just started to look like an idiot. I was stuffed, so I threw the last of it in the bin.

By some force of God, I looked up and I was standing in front of the British Museum. I had been here before, so, I was still lost, but not as lost as I had been. It was free and the Underground was still closed, so, I went in. I enjoyed it much more this time than I had the last time. It is a bit like the Louvre, you can go there a hundred times and yet always find a new room or display. I don’t remember any of it from the last time.

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I really enjoyed the Egyptian displays, it was neat to see the Rosetta Stone again. I enjoyed looking at the back of it. I mean, we’ve all seen the front, but how many have seen the back?

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There were little schoolchildren everywhere on a field trip in their little uniforms. I love uniforms. I wish we had had uniforms at school. Not the ugly ones, but really vintage plaid ones. Which, I suppose, could be seen as ugly, but also, hideous chic.

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I saw monuments from people called the Lycians, I had never heard of them before. They have really nice sculptures, creepily lifelike. There was even a huge temple inside of the Museum. It was very interesting to me.

Then I saw Napoleon’s handwriting which was weird and cool at the same time.

Something that I couldn’t find last time, but finally found this time, was the bogman. He had either been ritually murdered or had fallen into the bog, but either way, he was dead in the peat and very well preserved. When I finally made it to the display, I could see that he wasn’t there. He is on loan to the Manchester Museum until April…oh well.

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Then, I finally saw my first crystal skull. I saw it from afar and was very excited until I read the display card, which informed me that it was a well made fake. Disappointed, I decided to leave. On my way out I saw a little display of miniature Egyptian statues. These statues have finally convinced me that aliens were present in the ancient world. Look at the picture above and try to tell me that those things are human.

Outside the museum, there was a conveniently placed map which showed me that I was much closer to my hotel than I ever could have hoped. Only about five minutes away!

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I walked through a little park called Russell Park. There are little parks like this all over London, which I love. In Paris, there are a lot of parks, but they aren’t evenly distributed, here, you can’t go more than ten blocks without finding one. It is very nice and peaceful in the the little parks.

Back in the hotel, I collapsed on the bed, utterly exhausted. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go on the Jack the Ripper tour, the ghost tour, or come back and watch Paris Hilton’s new British show. I think you know what the decision was, so Jack and the ghosts will have to wait.

For the afternoon, I decided to go and see 186 Fleet Street, because that’s where Sweeney Todd supposedly lived. But it was on the Central line, so scratch that plan. I ended up going to Topman to buy my shoes and inquire about the Eddie Izzard performance tomorrow at the Apple store. I like the website version of Topman much more than the actual store, it is kind of prissy. But, I got my shoes.

The Apple store was as freakishly busy as they always are and I got the information I needed, so, I headed home.

Outside the Tube, I stopped at the Tesco Express to buy some snacks. It was so much fun to see American food again like Ritz crackers and Starburst and Krispy Kreme donuts and milk that isn’t revolting. Heaven…

Sitting in the hotel, I am now watching iTV2 waiting for Paris Hilton’s New British BFF to start. In the meantime, I’ve watched Judge Judy, caught up on American Idol, watched and gagged at Smallville. No show should be able to seriously deliver the following line, “I couldn’t imagine putting my son in a lifeboat across the stars.” I was gagging so much that I think I lost 12 pounds. Then, there was a very unfortunate commercial on mocking Edith Piaf trying to sell glasses, which made me mad, but then Paris’ face popped back onto the screen, which made me relaxed again.

Well, the show starts in 20 minutes, so I have to prepare.

The show just got over and it was amazing! It was fun to see Paris with all of her British friends who all have horrible teeth. The teeth of the British are truly sad. All yellow and crooked, they must not have any kind of dental care.

I hate it on reality series when people have problems getting makeovers. I mean get over it, it’s just hair. Sure, it’s scary, but it’s not like you’re going to be bald for the rest of your lives. And, I love the Welsh accent. So, I would call this show a glowing success!

I think it might be a good thing that I am in London today, in Paris there were violent riots because of the economy. I hope they get over it by Saturday evening, I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of a riot and then gassed by the police–as fun as that would be. They are even talking about dismantling the Euro and going back to individual currencies! Well…that sucks. I hope we all have money again, soon.

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