An ANTM Reject Reacts: Cycle 20 – Episode 4

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Though Jessica and I were utterly exhausted by the nonsense we had been subjected to for the past forty minutes, we continued on with episode four. I’ve mentioned to you before my curiosity about why I carry on with this. I thought and I thought and I realized that it’s because I love it still. It’s why we still secretly read the Facebook statuses of those we used to love. I don’t do that anymore. But, people do. Don’t you? You read and read hoping and praying that something miserable will happen to them, and yet at the same time you only hope the best. That’s my relationship with America’s Next Top Model. I love watching it become an ever greater disaster, but I do wish it well. I want them to pursue serious fashion and create beautiful art. The chances of this happening anymore are slim…that whole Flixel thing, you know?…but I watch in the vain hope that somehow it will recapture its magnificence.

Le sigh…let’s get started. This week, narration by my darling Honey Boo Boo and Mama June!

  • “Something in the house is going to happen soon.” A wise contestant informs us. A total shock, that…
  • “Let’s get the girls,” Marvin declares. Nobody wants anything to do with you.
  • “I cannot deal with these boys!” — Cory, my spirit animal.
  • The new opening is frightening.
  • God, I just hate Don and Marvin. They’re so vile.
  • Rob and Tyra made a big deal about how they’re not dating and how they’ve never kissed or touched…still not sure what this has to do with anything other than more face time for Ms. Tyra. Me, at this point:
  • The following pictures are of them nearly nude touching and biting each other’s lips. Tyra-and-Rob_weekly-shoot-ep4_zombie-photoshoot-americas-next-top-model-32254827-1365-2048They’ve never touched, guys. NEVER.
  • Tyra just threw breath mints at the contestants.
  • I now can’t remember if they’re dating or not. She said something about him being her “bro” but…
  • The contestants are required to make chemistry by following Tyra’s chemistry rules: 1) eat breath mints and rub them on your lips, 2) create tension by “definitely not touching Rob Evans and squeezing his bicep like you want to rip it off his body,” and 3) inhale, for some reason. Contestants proceed to grope each other and disgust us viewers back home by looking as if they are about to vomit in each other’s mouths. Even Helen Keller could create more chemistry.
  • “Ben I can’t! Ben I CAN’T!” Jessica screams at me as we stare blankly at the screen.
  • The theme is sexy fierce. That makes sense and is totally descriptive.
  • We are about to be introduced to the Victoria’s Secret Model: by some bizarre miracle of television that I’m still confused about, it’s not Tyra…it’s Alessandra Ambrossio.
  • Marvin is flirting with a supermodel, she laughed him off.
  • Tyra just offensively put on a German accent and imitated Heidi Klum.
  • Phil and Jeremy are in bondage gear, it appears, with Alessandra whipping them. Jessica and I no longer concerned, we’re just confused.
  • #sexyshoot is the hashtag this time.
  • Why is Phil lapping up milk with Jeremy?
  • Tyra is chomping gum and drawing x’s on people. Circus music plays.
  • “It’s getting too real for me!” Marvin cries as his genitals rub against his silk pantaloons and describes it for us all while insulting plus sized models. Alessandra Ambrossio looks on.
  • Last year was all about exhaling, but now it’s all about inhaling. I’m so confused.
  • Cory looks like he’s in the Backstreet Boy.
  • This X things needs to stop. In Roman numerals, X is ten.
  • Johnny just lustily exhaled “Yes,” and growled.
  • MAKEOVERS!
  • “What is a long bob?” She is dead to me.
  • All they did to Cory is shaved his head. Anybody could do this at home. He looks okay in good lighting.
  • NINA = YES
  • Why is she making all the guys blonde?
  • THE MALE MODELS ARE GOING TO GET WAXED. Why are they waxing all their hair off? MODELS SOMETIMES HAVE BODY HAIR.
  • Most of the makeovers don’t look like anything happened.
  • Jourdan got a really pretty hair color. That’s the color I’ve always wanted.
  • Bobs look good on everybody
  • Why are Phil and some forgettable girl hooking fingers?
  • Can I get a weave?
  • I also want to bleach my hair again.
  • These ridiculous GIF images are not fashion. They’re make me ill. America’s Next Top Model is not Tumblr.
  • I love when Kelly destroys the people I don’t like.
  • I just erupted. I was there when Tyra introduced the “booch” to the public. She was very adamant that  the booch was different from the tooch, and yet she uses them interchangeably. I’m so annoyed. What is life?
  • Cory knows what he’s doing. He has practiced just like I would. He cried in panel. Werk it, gurl.
  • The judges are complaining that they took photos with their old hair. How? WHY? They control the order of this nonsense. They scheduled the photo shoot before makeovers!
  • “We want to see that beautiful body and your weave is fierce.” Tyra tells Phil.
  • Of course Don stayed.

All in all, this episode was:

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