LOVE:

“The World According to Karl”:

I have been on pins and needles ever since I learned that this book of Karl Lagerfeld’s most endearing quotes was going to be published and therefore immortalized for all time. Karl is not one that enjoys living in the past, but I’m very guilty of this, so I’m delighted. The book arrived at my doorstep a few days after publication and I had the most marvelous time sitting out on my chaise lounge catching the last rays of sunshine I’d be able to get until next year and reading the book. It was a delight. Even the physical book was wonderful, beautifully bound and printed on high quality paper with the most lovely illustrations. I want to turn some of them into wallpaper. I have a project coming up on my to-do list that requires the slimmest amount of wallpaper, perhaps I’ll custom order some. The quotes were wonderful and I’m more enamored of Karl than ever. Here are some of my favorites:

“I don’t need to shop for food because I never eat.”

“There was a time when people knew how to be serious and lighthearted, earnest and witty all at once. Times have changed.”

“Art is something you feel. You don’t need to own it.”

“Elegance isn’t about having a well-stocked closet, or a well-stocked wallet.”

“I’m never happy. I’m in a permanent state of dissatisfaction.”

“What is this obsession always with to be with people? Solitude is the biggest luxury.”

“Yes, some people say to me ‘you’re too skinny’. But a skinny person never says that to me, only people who could lose a few pounds say that.”

“Do I know how much I have in my bank account? That’s a question for people with little money.”

“I don’t mind being kind, but it mustn’t show.”

Oh, Karl, you’re my role model for a reason!

Return of “Ancient Aliens”:

I am so freaking excited for the new season of Ancient Aliens. I’ve told you before about my all-consuming passion for this perfect documentary series. I won’t get into all that again. I would, though, if you got me talking about it, I’d never shut up. Tonight’s episode is all about a new theory of something at the Great Pyramids. I’M GOING TO PASS OUT FROM ANTICIPATION! I love everything about ancient Egypt and I especially love it when there are new ideas. I don’t think that aliens are the answer to everything, but I love that this show gives theorists a new platform to introduce their ideas to a broad audience. I have been impatient for this day for months. I wish it were on every single week, but of course, that’s sadly impossible! I highly recommend it. UPDATE: It was amazing. Now I’m fascinated by the pineal gland.

iTunes Radio:

When I first heard about Apple’s new radio service, I was indifferent. There are many other services that do the exact same thing, but I don’t use any of them. I believe I have a Pandora account, but I couldn’t log in to save my life. As with most things that Apple does, though, the fact that they made it and integrated it so well into their ecosystem makes me use it and enjoy it. I ignored it for a few days before I turned it on for the first time and created an Edith Kitt station. Sweet Buddha, it is fantastic! I’ve heard so many songs that I love and new ones to like. I’m going to start creating more stations soon! Dolly Parton radio? Yes, please. Even better, there aren’t any ads because I subscribe to iTunes Cloud or whatever it’s called. Winning.

New Bedsheets:

When I was in Wisconsin last week, I had the nicest time going on a little shopping spree at the Baron mall. More fun than even I could have imagined! While I was at JCPenny, there was a sale on bed sheets, and I needed some for my new bed, so my aunt convinced me that microfiber sheets would be perfectly fine. I was worried that they would collect every hair and bit of lint to ever exist, the way that dish rags do. They don’t. Oh my Buddha, they are actually amazing. All my life, I’ve been rather opposed to bed sheets. I don’t like the way they roll up around you and strangle you. But these ones…these ones were obviously woven by somebody divine. They are so comfortable. I lay down on them for just a second and then wake up two hours later perfectly refreshed. I can’t get enough. They were reasonably priced, too, so I’m not too worried that Edna seems to think it a great delight to attack them with her little claws. I’m more worried that she thinks it a great delight to attack my flesh with her little claws.

Choya Umeshu:

One of my favorite places to waste time and money is the World Market. I can still remember the first time I went to this wonderful place. Heaven. It gets better with age, I swear. I was there a few weeks ago with my sister buying British candy and we had the most marvelous time singing and dancing — it’s nearly mandatory with the soundtrack they use. The cashier later commented with a creepy smile, “I saw you dancing through the aisles.” That day, I also bought a little bottle of Choya Umeshu, a Japanese plum wine. Wine is not my alcohol of choice, bring me cocktails (giggle!), but this nectar was divine. I can’t explain it properly because I’ve never tasted anything quite like it. Remarkable stuff. Smooth and sweet without being cloying. I could drink an entire bottle! I may have to get one shipped over from Japan, the ones at World Market are only a swallow or two. I guess you can make Choya and tonics and Choya martinis, so of course, some experimentation will need to be done. Go get some, reader!

“Bangerz” by Miley Cyrus:

I don’t care what anybody thinks about my Miley, I’ll love her even if her tongue gets caught in a revolving door. People shouldn’t judge her so harshly anyway, when did you all turn into such puritans? Get over it, prudes! For some wonderful reason, her new album is available on iTunes to stream right now. I’ll wait… Wasn’t it great? I knew it would be amazing because the music she has been releasing lately has been on point. “Wrecking Ball” is perfection. Now, we have an entire album of wonderful things like it. Britney Spears sings about battery packs and then Miley’s in a 4×4 then there’s a party then we feel sad about her breakup with Liam, who obviously didn’t deserve her. Our Miley is better off without him. Go listen. I can’t even imagine how many times I have.

HATE:

German Language:

I’ve been trying to learn German for years, but I never can do it very well. This is odd for me because usually languages come into my brain and perfectly assimilate and I can understand them very well. Not German. German doesn’t stick in my brain. I can say a few phrases, but when it gets too deep into the grammar and workings of the language, I’m screwed. There are three genders and then a certain voice that means you have to change everything — the dative. Sweet Allah, I loathe the dative. It is nonsensical. It’s hard enough to pronounce the words correctly in normal tenses, but is impossible with all these new constructions. The last lesson I took was about how to use the telephone and I wanted to throw my iPod forcibly from me. Oh, what sweet relief that would have been. I will continue struggling through German, of course, because I’m sure that somehow, these phrases are sticking in my subconscious, but I’m not at all happy about it.

Not Living in a Victorian Manor:

A great crime in my life is that I was raised in a rather beaten up farmhouse. Before I started my tinkering a few years back, the last time the place had any kind of major reconstruction was before I was born. It was stuck hopelessly in the eighties. Slowly, oh so slowly, I’m tastefully updating the place, but it’s no easy task. Why couldn’t my family instead have bought a gracious and beautiful Victorian mansion. I wouldn’t even care if it was crumbling to the ground, it would have character. I recently toured the most magnificently restored Victorian house and wanted to weep. So many chandeliers! Remember when my Victorian house was ripped away from me? That bitch. Someday, I’ll have my own and I’ll be so happy. I wish that day were today.

Deodorant Allergy:

I’m annoyingly healthy and constantly in robust fitness. Not much bothers me or wears me down. I don’t get a runny nose when the pollen begins to blow. My eyes do became a river if I’m in London in mid spring, but I don’t have to worry about that regularly. Have you been to London in the spring? Have you ever been to London at all? No? Sad. I do have one allergy, though, and it’s completely ridiculous. I am allergic to almost every brand of deodorant. This is quite understandably a problem. I don’t live in Paris anymore, so I have to use deodorant, it’s a cultural norm here. Have you ever lived in Paris? No? Sad. All those tubes and sticks make me itchy and I want to rip the flesh out of my underarms. I’ve abstained from the product, but I don’t recommend that. I’ve shaved them, but that did nothing. I recently tried a new one made for sensitive skin — did not work. It’s been a week and I’m still feeling the ill effects of whatever it is I’m allergic to. I’m seriously contemplating getting Botox injections there, like they do in Hollywood, to seal up my sweat glands. Then I’ll just wear some cologne. Seriously, I think I just might.

Never on Craigslist’s Missed Connections:

When I can’t sleep or I’m bored, I take incredible pleasure in reading the Missed Connections section on Craigslist. Nothing is more delightful. Some of the entries are really poetic. Some are not. My favorites go something like this: “Saw you yesterday at Caribou. You had on a purple shirt and it fit you well. Tell me what I was wearing and what drink I ordered and what joke I told and maybe we can get together.” They’re great. Who would ever remember all those details or care to get together with somebody who seeks out romantic encounters on Craigslist? They can get much more inappropriate, and honestly, those are the funnier ones. I find it incredibly offensive that I have never found mention of myself anywhere on Craigslist. Whenever I go on vacation, I read through this section to see if some stranger found me attractive. And yet, I never find myself anywhere. Sad. A podcast I used to listen to would do dramatic readings of these set to sultry music. Oh, how we laughed.