Monday:

Why don’t you plan a little trip to the biggest city you can get to and enjoy within a day? I have my pick of Minneapolis, Kansas City, and Chicago. I’m getting ready to plan a jaunt to the Windy City for tea at the Drake and then a shopping spree at Eataly! I’m so thrilled that we have an Italian emporium so near to my mouth!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you install a professional sound system in your bathroom? It’ll be much more pleasant getting ready in the mornings if you can listen to something loud and in superior quality, rather than the crappy sound coming out of your cellphone. Add a disco ball while you’re at it. Or, in retrospect, don’t.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you change the image on your credit card to something either terribly chic or wonderfully inappropriate? I recently changed mine to a Seurat painting and have never been more glad to whip out my plastic and let the sales attendant charge my purchases. I’m still waiting for one of them to be artistic and compliment my taste. So far, they’ve failed me.

Thursday:

Why don’t you host a classy dinner party to show your friends and coworkers what a fancy bitch you are? Serve elegant cocktails and perfectly roasted dishes and have veritable towers of cakes for dessert. This will be no struggle for you to prepare since you’re so domestic, but it will forever strike the fear of God into those you invited as they’ll never be able to outdo you, not without help.

Friday:

Why don’t you hire a live-in servant or even a maid to clean your house regularly? Cleaning is not hard whatsoever, but it’s no fun to do yourself and it serves to remind you how common you must be at times. There’s nothing chicer than complaining to your friends about what a poor job the maid did. They’ll nod in sympathy, but do they have a maid? No.