Why don’t you run away and treat yourself to some peace and quiet? I go through these cycles every year — usually in the middle of winter and the beginning of summer — where I physically cannot be home without losing my mind. So I run away to Europe or Mexico or California and I thrive. I cannot be like a tree, standing in one spot all my life, letting life pass by as I grow more and more firmly entrenched in the earth around me. The thought terrifies me. Last weekend I scurried away to stay at a friend’s house. Reader…dear reader, this has been a much needed sabbatical. I’m no longer crazy.


Why don’t your treat yourself to something cheap that you’ve always wanted? I have long desired one of those long lighters for lighting candles. Don’t know why I never bought one since they’re like two dollars, but I guess I just thought it was unnecessary. (That doesn’t make sense, I know, since I only wear $200 boots…but I would light pieces of spaghetti with an old book of matches and then use that to light my candles…) Anyway, I picked one up the other night, and it makes me so damn happy. Don’t ever deny yourself anything.


Why don’t you just sleep a whole bunch? I’ve been fighting a cold since last year that won’t fully manifest and refuses to go away. I’m just a bit achy, sniffly, and ugh. I wish it would become a total debilitating stomach flu and then go away leaving me fifteen pounds lighter, but that might be too much to hope for. Because of this death that is coming for me, I’ve been going to bed earlier. Don’t feel any better, but I’m certainly more alert and considerably less sleep deprived. Try it, reader. Go take a nap or something.


Why don’t you start using a new expression and enhance your vernacular? “First World Problems” is something we hear quite frequently to describe something that goes awry that is the end of the world like when we can’t get organic avocados or the weather delays our coffee delivery from Italy. You know they type of thing. I have a professor who calls these moments “Champagne Problems” and I have never been more delighted by a combination of words before in my life. I’m going to be saying this all the time.


Why don’t you drink your body weight in green tea? Yesterday I felt like total garbage, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it until the end of the day. I did, reader, clearly, but it was a close call with the grave. To keep me alive and well, I think I had six liters of green tea. It was a bit minty, too, which made me think I was back in the mosque in Paris. And perhaps it was my thoughts of that wonderful city, or perhaps it was the medicinal qualities of the tea, but by the time I got to my night class, I didn’t want to crawl in the grave…just bed, so go sip some tea!

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