Well, the snow is falling gently outside, which is pissing me off. I effing hate the snow. It’s so colorless and lifeless and cruel. Give me palm trees! What ever happened to the glorious promise of global warming? Why am I not hosting a pool party right now? I feel major disappointment. Is my activism for green energy to blame for this? If so, I change my stance. GO BURN TIRES, EVERYBODY.

Anyway, it’s the Holiday season and it’s time to go shopping! I’ve done a bit on the Internet and I’m finishing up the rest this Wednesday after work. Oh what fun it is to go shopping and find the right gifts for people! I just love shopping so much.

I know that you’ve been unable to contain your enthusiasm, so here is the fabulous conclusion of my 2013 wish list!

21. Apple TV:

[LINK] $99

Now that I have my iPhone, my entire technological life is completely Apple. I couldn’t be happier. I don’t understand the fools who keep talking about Windows tablets and Android phones — they’re horrible! I’ve suffered through them, seen the light, and happily transformed myself into an Apple fan. They can do no wrong in my eyes, and when they do (they don’t), they correct the issue. An Apple world, is a deeply comfortable world where everything works well and works beautifully. That’s why I admire them the most, everything has such taste. I love a bit of taste, you know! I had forgotten about this product — I don’t know why I haven’t just picked one up — but I would adore to unwrap one Christmas morning! I would turn my television into an extension of my computer/iPad/iPhone. With it, I can play all my music through my BIG SCREEN television, I can mirror my computer’s screen and my iPad’s screen on my BIG SCREEN television, I can send my movies to my BIG SCREEN television, I can display my photos on my BIG SCREEN television. It’s a marvelous device and I need it in my life!

22. Vetiver Vert Cologne (Travel Size) by Czech & Speake:

[LINK] £85

I am quite a fan of cologne. Even though my favorite is Chanel Pour Monsieur, I also am crazy about this scent. It’s by an English company and they sent me the most marvelous collection of samples last year. This one was my absolute favorite — I have no way to explain it properly, but the scent is intoxicating in its loveliness. I want my entire home to smell like it — I wonder if they make diffusers? Like a fool, I forgot to pick up a bottle of it when I was in Hollywood and when I was in Chicago! Le grand sigh… When I’m in the mood to wear something stronger, this is what I grab for, but I’m all out. I’d love to get the travel sized version so that I can take them on the plane when I go to Europe next summer. I’ll smell so elegant amongst my Parisian friends and with the Transylvanian peasants.

23. Steam Mop:

[LINK] $90

I hate mopping with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. I loathe filling up the bucket and dumping who-knows-what kind of chemical into it and then wiping it over my floors that just look dull when I’m finished. I don’t understand when cleaning products don’t actually clean anything. I’ve long been curious about devices like this and I think it will be absolutely perfect to keep my kitchen looking gorgeous. It operates like a vacuum, a task I don’t absolutely abhor, and looks rather chic. I feel like a middle-aged housewife asking for household supplies for Christmas, but well, I want it!

24. Gold Cutlery:

[LINK] $80

Gold is one of the most fashionable accent colors right now and I’m passionately in love with it. As a Leo, it speaks to me, you know? Martha Stewart bought her daughter the most gorgeous gold flatware at a market in Thailand a few years ago and I was mesmerized by them when they were shown on her sadly defunct television show. Ever since then, I had to have them, but haven’t seen them for sale anywhere! I can’t quite afford a trip to the massive Bangkok markets, so this will have to do for now. They are so gorgeous.

25. Lovely Record Player:

[LINK] $80

Since I was a small child, I have been enamored of vinyl records. I’ve always had a passion for archaic technologies (like my deep love for LASERDISC!), but this seems to be beloved by quite a lot of people, which pleases my old heart. If I had it my way, we’d go straight back to 1939 with our big screen televisions, iPhones, and Internet. Everything was so beautiful back then, at least in my mind. Perhaps it was horrible, but I don’t think it was. Anyway, I’ve had the same record player since I was a boy. It’s blue, massive, and from the sixties — I believe it came from a sale from the public library. It works like a dream and I have zero issues with it…except for the fact that it is huge. It’s a bit too big for where I have it, so I don’t use it nearly as often as I’d like to. This chartreuse record player is just too beautiful for me not to have. I can play all my 45s from the 40s with it and sway and imagine that I was going out to dance at a nightclub in my shiniest shoes with my hair slicked back with pomade. Oh, the past was glorious.

26. iPhone Docks:

[LINK] $29

As I mentioned before, I finally have my GOLDEN IPHONE with FINGERPRINT READER! The only thing that this phone doesn’t have is the ability to wirelessly charge without sticking it into some hideous special case. That is probably the only, and I do mean only, thing I enjoyed about my old Samsung Galaxy S3. Other than that, it was piece of shit. I loved this technology, but unless I put an ugly case on my GOLDEN IPHONE, I won’t have it. Ain’t no way I’m covering up my GOLDEN IPHONE. So, I’m going to need some docks to charge it. (The battery lasts for the majority of the day, so it’s not even an issue, really. The Samsung needed charged three times a day. PIECE OF SHIT.) I need one by my bed and one for the kitchen. It looks kind of chic. I’ve never had one of these docks before — I remember back in the olden days, when I wanted to get an iPod, it came bundled in the box. Remember the old iPod with the touch wheel and black and white screen. LOL at the past. Remember when this was the height of technology?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

27. GIN:

[LIQUOR STORES NEAR YOU] $10-30

I LOVE GIN! Gin is my favorite liquor of all the liquors. I love that it tastes like pine and I love it with a squeeze of lime or grapefruit or lemon. Gin and tonics are my go-to drink and I will always cherish the memory of chugging to California on the Southwest Chief sipping this delicious beverage and watching America fly by the window. I saw the Midwestern plains melt away into the hinterlands of Colorado and then unexpectedly mountains began to rise. We descended into canyons and snaked our way through the desert. I met grand and unique characters on each day and on each train I travelled on. Not sure why I made this into a brochure for Amtrak, but I can’t help it. Trains are absolutely marvelous and I can’t wait to get on my next one. But back to gin. It’s delicious and I’d love to try all the different varieties — who knew there were so many!?

28. iPad Air (White, 64GB):

[LINK] $699

I have had an iPad from the very first iteration. They changed my life for the better. I can’t explain all the ways my world is different because of the iPad — it would be an endless essay full of praise and overzealous adjectives. In all seriousness, though, if you don’t have an iPad, I do not understand what you’re waiting for. They are the future. Not the silly tablets the other companies are producing and failing with — the iPad is where it’s at. I’ve had my current model for about two years and it still operates flawlessly, if a bit sluggishly, but it’s always nice to upgrade. I wouldn’t bother, but I am incredibly impressed with the weight reduction in this model. I carry my iPad all day long at work, where I use it quite often, and though it sounds silly, it does get very heavy in my ONE DIRECTION binder. I’d love this new, zippy, lightweight iPad to join me every day.

29. Beautiful Parisian Map:

[LINK] €50

Paris is my home more than my home, and I’ve told you that more than enough — I’m sure you tire of me constantly rhapsodizing poetically on it. Sadly, Parisian décor can be very hideous. Too many Eiffel Towers, too much paisley, too many poor font decisions, too much chatter about fashion and berets. That’s not Paris at all, anyway! I love this map, which is unlike me, since I’m not quite so colorful! But, I’d love to hang this up as the centerpiece of one of my rooms. What interior design would it not go with? And the design seems timeless. If I can’t get that massive map that I love so much that hangs downtown at Django, this one will surely do.

30. One Direction Inspired Fashion:

[ALL THE TRENDY SHOPS] $ALL THE PRICE RANGES

ONE DIRECTION IS BEAUTIFUL! Just look at them in all their glory! Look at their subtle leopard print and their shoes and their tuxedo jackets and their turtlenecks and their HAIR. God, I want their stylist. I have taste, so I don’t really need a stylist, I just need the clothes. That’s where you come in! I need fashionable suspenders. These can be black and leather or thin and in neutral colors. Example:

I need fashionable boots like this pair by Marc Anthony at Kohl’s:

I need fashionable headbands like Harry wears:

BUY ME ALL THE CLOTHES. THANK YOU KINDLY. (PS: I need the women’s top that Harry wore to the 1D film premiere. It was by Burberry, fyi.)

BONUS GIFT:

31. Brazilian Butt Lift:

[LINK] $15,000

One of the things that regularly devastates me is that I have no ass. I would like one. I’d like one very much, thank you kindly. So, I would tremendously enjoy having this surgery. I looked through the before and after pictures with my jaw dropped. Boring backsides can become stunning! They take your own fat to do it, too! All of your own fat is transferred to your ass where it belongs! Genius. Wonderful! PLEASE get me a gift card for this. Thank you.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, READER.