Sometimes I feel as if I am a guardian for the holidays — a protectorate of the most basic of American values: commercialism! How are we to have a strong economy if we don’t pump it full of money? Well, I suppose we would need to have money first. It’s ridiculous these days, more than a bit ridiculous, how we’re all poor. I can’t wait for a return to glorious excess and spending with reckless abandon! Vote for me for governor! I seem to have gone off on one of my tangents. This wasn’t even the point of this week’s sermon.
Before we get on to that, let’s open our hymnals to Britney’s new song “Now That I Found You.”
Oh, isn’t she glorious? I’ve given Britney a sainthood before, haven’t I? I’m sure I have — I should keep a list of these things. I should also book a trip to Vegas to see her during her residency. I hate Vegas, but it’s a great place for music and pastries.
Anyway, onto the sermon!
I have become aware of an alarming trend on the Internet — a wonderful, but terribly cruel place. On social networks and on blogs and all over the place, there are terrible people who are screaming and shouting because others dare to wish them, “Happy Holidays,” instead of a jolly, “Merry Christmas.” I don’t have enough fingers to flip off to these people. I don’t know enough vulgar language to yell at them. There aren’t enough words in any language to express my contempt and disdain for these atrocious examples of humanity.
How dare you become offended because somebody wished you well? How dare you judge somebody for using a kindly secular platitude? You people DISGUST me!
I am sick to death of these loudmouthed fools screaming about our supposedly Christian nation. This group of whiners has tainted the world’s perception of our wonderful nation and is patently false. If Jesus were real, he would have adored universal healthcare. If Jesus walked amongst the ancients, he would have continued extolling equal rights for all people regardless of their genetics. He would have yelled at us all for how selfish we are, for how greedy we are, and for letting the poor and impoverished suffer. These are true and meaningful “Christian values” that are constantly being ignored by these asshats. (Good word, that, asshat; use it in your everyday chatter.) I’m no saint, but I’m no hypocrite. If we were truly a nation of such Christian values — a term I’m loathe to use since they are the basic tenants of decency — we would be a glorious beacon to the rest of the world and would be better off ourselves.
So, when you post an angry picture, shout about a war on Christmas, or do anything equally idiotic, know that you look like a fool and a jerk and a blight on humankind. If an atheist or a Jew or a Muslim or a skinhead or a Buddhist or a squirrel or a freaking potato wishes you a happy holiday — don’t you dare be a rude bitch. Say thank you and wish them the same. It’s not so hard and nobody gets hurt.
After this trying outing amongst us heathens, you can get back to your Christmas trees and your playlists of Christian music and your nativity scenes and your midnight service, but when you are out amongst the rest of the world — be kind. Be kind today and every day.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, FLOCK!