Monday:

Why don’t you get a job in a public school? It’s not always pleasant or fun, but it can be rather delightful at times and you get a ridiculous amount of time off. Tomorrow, I go back for the first time after eighteen days off. It kind of makes up for those miserable days (like tomorrow will be, I can only assume.) Think of your summers!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you order several new cases for your cellular telephone? It’s such fun to swap them out when you’re feeling in the mood. Currently, I’ve only got this beautiful golden one, but I’m eager to start a collection. I’m very intrigued by the leather ones that Apple sells and also by those ones that have a cover you flip off. I LOVE MY IPHONE.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take the day off or a half day and go to the Olive Garden? People whine and complain about this American masterpiece, but they’re simply lying to themselves. Is the food that great? It’s alright. Is it that reasonable? It’s alright. But still, sometimes I’d rather go there than a fine restaurant. Truly. That raspberry lemonade is a spiritual beverage.

Thursday:

Why don’t you purchase items used in your favorite television programs or movies? I recently ordered a set of Royal Albert fine china with hand painted moonlight roses to emulate my idol, Hyacinth Bucket, from Keeping Up Appearances. Of course, she has Royal Doulton with hand painted periwinkles, but such a product does not actually exist. The china used on the program is a different variety altogether and difficult to come by, so I chose the Royal Albert. It’s beautiful.

Friday:

Why don’t you throw out all your toiletries — your toothbrushes, face wash, all your towels, and half empty bottles of shampoo and replace them? It might be a bit costly, but it will be so nice to get rid of the clutter and germs and have something new. Try out new brands and products. It’s fun to go shopping for soap. I’m not kidding.