Holla Flock,

Please send #sanasas to your beloved reverend. I’ve been sat on my couch in my elegant lounge for the majority of the afternoon after a day in bed. I can’t stop coughing. If anybody asks, I just say I have tuberculosis. Nothing else wrong with me, I just can’t stop coughing and coughing and coughing and coughing…and coughing. It’s tiring. I’m hoping it’s a good exercise, though, because there is no way in hell I’m going to be walking on the treadmill today. I thought about it really hard, but then I coughed and decided making french fries was a better use of my time. Doing good on that ab resolution, LOLz.

Since I’ve given into my disease and spent the entirety of the day watching Netflix and browsing the Internet in the hopes of recovering from this illness that plagues me, I have decided to write about the state of modern technology and why it’s a great gift to us. But, before we get into today’s sermon, please open your hymnals up to Robyn’s “Fembot.”

Ah, Robyn is a pop genius. Giving her a sainthood now. Saint Robyn, that has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

Do you ever scroll through Facebook, rolling your eyes the entire time? Everything everybody says is so stupid. I hate all those dumb pictures and crockpot recipes and posts by people who have no taste when it comes to politics. If I have to look at one more idiotic post about the president not respecting the armed forces, I’m going to puke all over the person who posted it. If I read one more recipe about some giant Snickers bar, I may just dress up in my nicest suit and throw myself off the chicest bridge. I’m thinking the Golden Gate. Why would you ever throw yourself off some common bridge? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t jump off a bridge, either, that seems a silly way to go if you’re decided on killing yourself. No, I think I’ll throw myself at some wild lions. That’s a memorable way right there. Anyway, the people who post these dumb posts are the same ones that whine about people using their phones all the time or using the Internet instead of going outside. I can’t stand these posts. Do they not understand what a wonderful place the Internet is?

I was both lucky and cursed to be one of the first generations of people to be raised in the digital age. Our house was connected to the Internet when I was in kindergarten and it was a glorious day. I still recall the first thing I looked up — white tigers. My love of big cats is eternal. Having Internet access is the reason I’m the intelligent and handsome young man that I am today. It broadened my mind in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. Imagine having a library in your hands! It’s easy to imagine because we’ve all got one. The Internet can teach us the most insane and wonderful things. Without the assistance of technology, I don’t know where I’d be in the world. I have learned more through the computer than I ever learned at school. I mean this with respect to all the teachers I liked. I learned a lot from you, too, but I could so easily broaden my horizons with the computer.

The computer has taught me how to fold napkins, twerking theory, the reasons behind the current political situation in Egypt, French customs, recipes using lentils, how to properly groom myself, how to better exercise, how to write, how to use proper punctuation, how to sing, how to do a million things — thousands I probably shouldn’t list. It’s also given me so much! I have downloaded scores of sheet music to practice, my iPhone is full of books that I can download for free that I would have absolutely no access to otherwise, YouTube and places like it are full of documentaries and instructional videos that teach us how to install windows and give us the historical background of little-known events. It’s a wonderful place.

The Internet has also enriched me culturally with services like Spotify and Netflix. With Spotify, I can listen to music from around the world. I can listen to modern hits and recordings from the 1920s. It’s an amazing resource. Netflix, too, has changed me deeply. There are so many documentaries on there! There is also one of my favorite programs, Keeping Up Appearances. I shan’t get too deep into this show, because I’d write for ages and ages, but it’s perfect and it is one of the television shows that molded me. If I were to explain who I am, I would be a melange of Keeping Up Appearances, Absolutely Fabulous, and The Simple Life. I have taken the greatest parts of these shows and made myself out of them and I think I’m better off for them.

If I lived in a world without Internet access, like some peasant or pioneer, I would have died of boredom. I need access to information for my overstimulated brain. I’m always in need of an answer to some obscure question, and with my iPhone, I have that power. It’s intoxicating.

So, back to my original complaint: when I see people complaining (ironically on the Internet) about the effects of the Internet, I’m strongly tempted to block them or unfriend them. They obviously don’t understand the great blessing that they are accessing or why it is the triumph of the modern age. We would be in a new dark age if we didn’t have access to this kind of service. We can educate ourselves, we can better ourselves, we can amuse ourselves, and we can forge friendships with people halfway across the world in ways that would have been impossible even a decade ago. The Internet has forever changed us and for that I am thankful.

Go and do some googling, Flock.