Monday:

Why don’t you spend the day baking bread and then freezing it for future convenience? Few things are as satisfying as making fresh bread, and a stint in the freezer will not mar your triumphant loaves. Besides, bread you buy in the grocery stores can barely be called bread. I call it shit.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you make a list of all the museums you’d like to visit and then start planning trips around them? I want to visit all the museums in the world with major Egyptological collections, and I’m doing pretty good with the major museums, but there are so many more to see! I can’t wait.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take a trip to Europe for an art buying expedition? There are loads of wonderful vendors along the Seine (called bouquinistes) in Paris that sell quite nice prints and old magazines where you can pick up some lovely things to frame and hang in your house. Your guests will all be envious when you casually say, “Oh, that old thing. I bought it in Paris.”

Thursday:

Why don’t you fast for a day once a week? It’s supposedly a very healthy thing to do — something about rebooting your body’s different systems. I do this on occasion when I’m feeling gross (like I am now), so I think I’ll be following my advice soon. Besides, it’ll lessen your caloric intake for the week, and soon you’ll be so glamorously thin.

Friday:

Why don’t you backup your iPhone and then casually smash it to pieces so that you can justify upgrading to the lovely new iPhone 6? Not the Plus, mind you, that thing is just silly. I have the 5S and I adore it as much as my cats, but…you know…times change. I need to have the latest or I’ll just die.