Well readers, it’s that time of year again, that very exciting time, THE ANNUAL ONE DIRECTION ALBUM LEAK! Oh, it’s a glorious time to be alive. I’m not even going to pretend to wait for the official release, it’s time for my track by track commentary. I can’t wait. Let’s dig in, shall we?

1. Steal My Girl We’ve all heard this already and we all love it. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE? The delightful piano, the bass drops, ZAYN. It’s the poppy One Direction I’ve been missing. I love everything they do, clearly, but sometimes they get too deep into that twangy indie nonsense with a bunch of shouting. This is nothing of the sort, thank Beysus! Anyway, this is a story about how everybody’s coming for some girl that the boys love. Tumblr got hella pissed about possessive behavior and such, but I still think the song has a rather sweet message. I mean if this “girl” wanted to dump one of the boys, I’m sure “she” could, but why? Oh my, let’s chat about Zayn’s falsetto. #blessed. When is Zayn releasing a solo album? I’d be all over that. 2. Ready To Run Uh oh, we’re starting off with those guitars. The boys are in a sinking boat! SAVE THEM. And now they’re being pursued by a person who is being possessed by Beelzebub. That’s probably just some kind of artsy writing and shouldn’t be taken literally. Oh, here we go. The drums are banging now and we’re running. Oh, Harry’s running to me. Wherever I am is where he belongs, you see. I approve. HEARTILY. Louis just said something about people criticizing their love, and surely when Harry and I admit our relationship publicly, there will be quite a lot of criticism from the nine year old super fans. Sorry kids, he’s mine, get back to writing that smutty fan fiction you put all over the Internet. 3. Where Do Broken Hearts Go Is it an Abba song? Sounds like one. Is there a man after midnight? Nope. Yep, I’m having a good time here. WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO???? WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO???? Harry keeps screaming for me, but he can’t find me. This is unrealistic, I’d run to his slightest whisper — we’re linked telepathically. I enjoy this song. It’ll be good for the stadium tour. I love a good stadium tour. I went to two of them in August, remember? Of course you remember. I’m not entirely sure what the message of this song is. They keep shouting about broken hearts and where they’re hiding out. Oh my, now they’re “ten feet down.” Did they die? Of course One Direction songs have never made sense, which I clearly do not mind, so I’m not bothered. 4.  18 Guitars….this is going to be a ballad. No banjos, though, thank god. Oh hey, Zayn. He’s got a soul and a heart that he knows how to use. Good. He doesn’t want to feel alone. HELLO, HERE I AM. Okay, now we’re making out, I guess. Now they’re confessing that they’ve loved me since they were eighteen. Sweet of them. My sister sent me a picture of herself listening to this song. You should see the river of tears pouring down her face. I’d post it, but I’m not that rude. Oh, my, now we’re pouring drinks! I hope we’re having blood orange cosmos! This is a very sweet song. I’m a fan. The boys are sounding good and there’s a charming message. Oh shit, Louis is singing emotionally. TOO MANY FEELINGS. 5. Girl Almighty Quick beat. YES. Something about an ambulance, goodness me! Now somebody’s on a balloon. I can’t understand a thing they’re saying. Now somebody’s getting down on their knees. Still confused. I need me some lyrics. I’m not feeling this. I was excited at first, but now I’m not. Okay, I’m not a fan of that one. 6. Fool’s Gold The boys are like a crow and I’m distracting them, making them fly places. Now they’re like boats and I’m a ray of sunlight. They are really getting into these similes. Falsettos, yes. FALLING FOR YOUR FOOOOOOOOOOL’S GOLD. They can’t sleep because they’re lost in my beauty. Lovely. Harry just said, “I know your love’s not real.” EXCUSE ME. MY LOVE IS ENDLESS. What is going on here? They’re all in love with some worthless person who is not actually in love with them but they don’t regret it? THIS IS SHIT. NO! 7. Night Changes Zayn told me to wear something red. I’ll have to go shopping, my wardrobe is mainly black. The instrumentation is interesting, like a digital piano from the eighties. The night changes a lot, I guess, but it’ll never change us. Louis sounds nice here. He doesn’t get a lot of credit, but he has a unique and intriguing voice. Boys, please speed the tempo up. I can’t handle all these slow ballads. Oh, now they sound like the Beach Boys. I’m here for that. 8. No Control Okay, here we go. THINGS ARE PICKING UP! Oh my, who is this singing now with extended notes? Loves it. Innocence on a pillowcase! Louis is shout singing, and I love it. He’s a loaded gun and he has no control. Oh dear. That’s a metaphor for a penis. Okay. BLOWWWW! Taste on my tongue…goodness. They don’t want to wash it away! LORD JESUS. There is some sin going down in this song. This is delightful, actually. Clearly this is a romantic ballad about the boys and how much they love each other and they are POWERLESS because their management won’t let them admit that they are actually in love with each other. Or something. That’s what the Tumblr has told me. 9. Fireproof I wake up to this song every morning. I LOVE IT. It’s basically a Harry solo. And look, I don’t want the boys to ever break up, but I do want a solo album from Harry. And I want one from Zayn, too, but I really want one from Harry. And I want to be one of the groupies that follow him from concert to concert. That’s not creepy, okay? This is a fun and catchy song. Mid-tempo, but delightful. Again, there’s a Beach Boys vibe, which I’m totally a fan of. It sounds like Harry and I are spending a day on the beach and he keeps singing to me whilst we sip on too many fruity cocktails. I’m a fan. 10. Spaces There’s a fight! There’s a fire! There’s forgetfulness! There’s delightful singing. Stadium song! I love a stadium song. It’ll sound so good with 50,000 people singing along. Oh dear, I’m actually listening to the lyrics now. HOW SAD. It’s all about space developing betwixt two lovers/friends/whatever. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANY SPACE BETWEEN HARRY AND I. How sad this song is! Why is it so fun to sing? So many emotions. A cappella boys and a beat drop! YAAAASSSS GAWD. Sad song, but I enjoyed it. 11. Stockholm Syndrome YES, PRAISE JESUS, THIS IS MY JAM! It starts off a bit slowly, trying to confuse you, but then IT BEGINS. SING ZAYN! “Oh! Baby look what you’ve done to me!” Drums and shouts and ZAYN. The beat is infectious. It honestly sounds like a Michael Jackson song with the instrumentation and the way the song develops. I’m in heaven! My love has Harry tied down. Good. This one needs to be played hella loud and on repeat for days. I’ll never get it out of my head. 12. Clouds We’re ending the album on a fast song, thank Allah! Love is never simple, guys. We’re going to wish we never left them. WHY WOULD ANYBODY EVER LEAVE THEM? Good guitar bits. Oh yes, stadium singing. Is there an actual musical term for this? Someday we’re gonna want the air that they breathe. I ALREADY DO. All right song, but not one of my favorites. Well, I’m sure as I listen to the album a hundred times over the next few days, my thoughts and ideas will change. Currently it’s not my favorite of their oeuvre, that’d be Midnight Memories. Nothing will ever top my favorite song they’ve ever done, though, the CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED triumph that was “Stole My Heart.” Listen and learn, reader! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4×7-bcVIK8k Good Lord, I love that song. FOUR suffers from the same irritating middle as Midnight Memories where we all got a bit bored with endless ballads of the same instrumentation. Luckily for FOUR, the ending and the beginnings were great. You should buy the album, of course, but if there are a few songs you must get for you music library, I’d say: Stockholm Syndrome, No Control, 18, Steal My Girl, and Where Do Broken Hearts Go. See you in San Francisco, boys! (Maybe.)