OCTOBER:

• At the dawn of the month, I had high hopes of having Ebola. I didn’t, but why not? As I have said a million times to anybody who would listen, I WAS IN TWO OF THE LARGEST AIRPORTS IN AFRICA, BOTH EAST AND WEST, THIS SUMMER AT THE HEIGHT OF THE PANDEMIC. Why did I just get a sniffle?
• I spent a weekend pretending to be an Impressionist painter. I only had colored pencils. Still, I was pleased with a few of my pieces, like this one: 
• Before I left for Europe and Africa, I planted several hills of heirloom pumpkins that I had purchased at the Marché des Fleurs in Paris a year or so ago. ONLY ONE PUMPKIN GREW. Many vines, but only one pumpkin. I was pissed by the plant’s lack of cooperation, but proud of the gourd. 
• I became convinced again that Ryan Murphy has hacked my computer to inspire several aspects of the latest season of American Horror Story. I’d be a collaborator if he’d politely ask.
• I finally subscribed to Audible and fell in love with it. I would highly recommend The History of Ancient Egypt by the fabulous Bob Brier. It’s 24 hours long, but such fun.
• Jessica and I went to the One Direction concert movie and entertained the audience with our flawless singing and dancing. We also tutted and shushed children. Good time. Harry is dreamy.
• I became overemotional watching a marathon of The Barefoot Contessa. Ina Garten just has it all. She has the perfect life.
• Jessica and I practiced for our eventual appearance on Celebrity Name Game. It was loud, aggressive, violent, and I’m completely shocked that the police weren’t called to investigate. We will dominate that show.
• I finally had the chance to fulfill a dream and dress up as a Liberace inspired vampire. 
• I decided that I simply have to dye my hair lavender after finishing with the luxurious mane I’ve been growing. I mean, look how good I look in purple: 
• The Winter Palace in Luxor, Egypt, my beloved Winter Palace, published some of the photos I took at the hotel. I was quite proud.
• I hosted, as always, the “Shitty Annual Phillips Halloween Spectacular Spectacular,” and my table setting was a stunning tribute to the macabre. 
• I sent these Tweets:

NOVEMBER:

• I finalized my Spring Break vacation and was thrilled to be traveling to Washington DC to see my beloved Angela Lansbury perform on the stage in Blithe Spirit. It’s going to be amazing.
• I decided on the title of my future autobiography, Wake Me When the Crocus Blooms. I think it’s perfect.
• I again became traumatized by an episode of The Barefoot Contessa set in Paris. I miss Paris every damn day. I reflect on how blessed I’ve been able to spend so many months of my life in that wonderful European city. It’s surely where I will retire.
• I ordered a printed copy of a novel I wrote, Terrible Miss Margo. It was astonishing to see as a physical thing. I was so proud of me. And it. And me. Mainly me. 
• Winter suddenly arrived and Edwin was just as shocked by the white landscape as me. More so, it appears: 
• I made the first of MANY batches of passion fruit ice cream. It is simply the best thing in the world. I live for passion fruit.
• I started baking a nice boule of bread each week to have around the house. Homemade bread is so chic and so delicious. 
• I fell in love with Murder, She Wrote, and began binge watching season after season after season.
• I dug out my box of research for a novel I have been attempting to write for about five years, Hôtel Ker-Maria. Someday I will get it right. 
• I sent these Tweets:

DECEMBER:

• I received a very thoughtful gift, a package of FLEXI COMB headbands. My obsession with them only grew.
• I purchased a copy of the seminal tome, Egyptian Grammar, by Sir Alan Gardiner, and began a serious quest to learn to read and write with ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. It’s challenging, but I’ve learned an incredible amount so far.  My Egyptian handwriting has since improved tremendously.
• I finally finished remodeling the last wall of my kitchen and joyously looked at my professional oven and Julia Child autograph for hours. 
• I developed an obsession for roasted pumpkin seeds and laid waste to the dozen I had left from my autumn decorations. They were delicious.
• I am fairly certain that I developed a case of exhaustion so severe that I should have been admitted to a hospital. I enjoyed this fantasy for days — not the exhaustion part, that sucked — just the thought of being hooked to an IV and watching telenovelas all day.
• I thought a lot about moving to Botswana. I need to visit before I make any rash decisions.
• I finally saw the documentary, Advanced Style, and it changed me. I haven’t been so inspired in quite some time.
• I started doing pushups, after seeing this GIF of Harry Styles: It’s been rather nice getting slowly back into shape. Nothing too crazy, mind you.
• I decided that in the future, one of my careers will be a detective. There are clues everywhere, guys.
• I celebrated Hanukkah by buying myself gifts. I don’t think that’s exactly how it works, but I really enjoy my new espresso machine. Next year I’ll get a dreidel and a yarmulke and eat latkes, too.
• I began washing my hair with horse shampoo in an attempt to grow it even faster — but really just to say I wash my hair with horse shampoo.
• I danced an awful lot to Madonna’s new music. No regrets.
• Picker people came to the farm and bought some junk. It was great fun.
• Christmas was fun, I got cash, liquor, and a Keurig machine. More importantly, Jessica and I bought tickets to a One Direction concert in San Francisco. Two trips lined up for next year now!
• I sent these Tweets:

So, it’s been quite a year. Probably my favorite year that I’ve lived through so far. I mean, I accomplished a massive amount of things I never dreamed of. I WENT TO EGYPT! I saw the mummies of Tutankhamen and Rameses the Great and Hatshepsut and Seti I and the bones of Akhenaten!. I walked through tombs and temples. I yachted on the Nile. I crawled through pyramids! I always knew that I would go, but I never knew that I could love it so much. Beyond Egypt, I went to Paris and London and Iceland and fell in love with Brighton. I sauntered through the ruins of the Parthenon. I befriended a reincarnated Atlantean priestess! I remodeled my kitchen, and I wrote, and I learned a great deal. But, most importantly, I saw Harry Styles twice. Top that, reader. Try.