Monday:

Why don’t you plant big pots full of every type of basil known to man? There’s no nicer moment than catching a whiff of genovese basil as you leisurely stroll through your gardens. If you don’t have gardens to stroll through, you should work on that. And if you cannot do that, you can surely set up a little spot with a table and tasteful glazed pots full of basil. It’ll be charming. Off to the Home Depot, reader!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you run away for a spell? I think I’ve suggested this before, but I still think it’s an excellent idea. I have always wanted to just disappear for awhile, not that I’m terribly unhappy with life or anything, but I enjoy the thought of escaping normalcy. I think it’s the call to adventure that propels me in everything I do. I don’t translate ancient Egyptian hieroglyphic texts each night before bed for my own amusement, you know? It’s for adventure!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you start fasting for a day or two each week? It cuts back on calories, and I’ve always found that I’m more energetic when I’m a bit hungry. This was a discovery I made last year when I was in Cairo during Ramadan. To be sensitive to the faithful who were abstaining from water and food and smoke during the daylight hours, I did the same until the fast was broken, and I enjoyed it. Once you get over the feeling of hunger, you don’t really notice it. (I’m not talking about people who are actually starving, mind you, just those of us lucky enough to never have to know real hunger.) So, start fasting, reader, maybe every Tuesday and Thursday?

Thursday:

Why don’t you move? Just get up and go. Grab your cat, your credit card, and your laptop and get on the next plane to wherever you know you should be. I drive myself crazy about once a month with thoughts like this, but though I try to never be sensible or rational — it offends me on principle to be either —  but some sense of responsibility keeps be tethered to this lousy place. Don’t be like me, reader, get out. Get out while you can. I have the sneaking suspicion that if I were living and working in a real city, I’d make something happen. Hard to do in the middle of the middle west where the only thing that changes is the weather and my glasses.

Friday:

Why don’t you go through your closets and donate anything that might be considered casual wear? The very thought of casual clothing makes my skin crawl. I puked a little bit in my mouth just there. I’m not saying you should not own sweaters, but make sure you have nothing with a hood. Hooded sweatshirts are the very end of civilization. I recently purged my closet of a few and I feel such relief at not having to see them anymore. Nobody should ever be dressed casually. Don’t they have any pride?