Why don’t you put wallpaper on the backs of your stairs? It’d be ever so elegant to have a bold pattern or a mural climbing your stairwell. Staircases can be terribly boring, so add some pizzazz to your house. Or add some mirrors to the back of your staircase instead of wallpaper, then you can see your Saint Laurent boots as you make your way up. Be glamorous.
Why don’t you get a bunch of pencils printed with your name? Buy hundreds of them and keep them on your desk. People always need a pencil, and they never ever return them, the assholes… So, they will forever be carrying around a pencil with your name embossed in gold. Get that promo! Maybe put your Instagram handle (follow me! @bdphillips) on the pencil. Get your followers growing. Donate these pencils to schools to use on standardized tests; kids love Instagram. You’ll be famous for your cheap pencils.
Why don’t you do some shamanistic weather ritual to ensure that I have a lot, and I do mean a LOT, of early dismissals from work? I don’t want any snow days, because I don’t want to make them up, but I love a good early out. It’s festive and makes everybody so happy. It fills your heart with joy and gladness. You get to go home and make coffee and read a book and feel no guilt. It’s fabulous. I want one now.
Why don’t you spend the winter months building an elegant and ecologically friendly raft capable of navigating the Mississippi? Then, when the spring and summer finally comes back around, take your raft from the source way up in Minnesota all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico. This is one of my bucket list dreams. It’ll be dangerous, and it’ll be thrilling, and you’ll have endless stories to share for the rest of your life. Think of the sights, sounds, and excitement. Raft, reader! And think of New Orleans at the end!
Why don’t you order one of those well-done DNA background kits and find put where your ancestry really comes from? We all have grand elaborate stories of our heritage, but they’re probably not true. Why not see where your genes really originated and where close family might still remain? It’d be absolutely fabulous. I want one for Christmas. This one is intriguing me. Or any time. I’ll probably order one either way.