Monday:

Why don’t you do a rain dance or whatever you have to do to make the goddamn snow stop? I am losing my mind. Winter is the stupidest thing in the entire world. Can we set off a nuclear warhead in Antarctica and shove the planet a bit closer to the sun? Just a bit? I want summer every day. I’m home again because work was cancelled — three times in two weeks — which is great, of course, but we have to make those days up, and I need to get to the Beyoncé concert in Paris…

Tuesday:

Why don’t you import yourself some citrus from your favorite Floridian orchard whilst they’re still in season? I’m partial to Mixon Fruit Farms in Bradenton, but I’m sure you have your own preferences. Few things have been more decadent or luxurious during this interminable blizzard than eating a grapefruit picked off a tree I know with my own eyes. Of course these fruits are considerably more expensive than those you find at the grocery store, but the backstory and memories are well worth it.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you give up something for Lent? I’ve never done it in my life, but when I was in Cairo, I fasted during Ramadan, and I kind of like the idea of partaking in a fast of a different sort. It’s really rather empowering. I can’t understand why. I haven’t decided what I’m giving up, but it’s certainly not going to be cheese. Maybe I’ll give up bread. I already want to die at the thought, but I suppose I can make egg salad lettuce wraps…oh my god…

Thursday:

Why don’t you stock your freezer full of frozen Maison du Croissant pastries? You can get them from Walmart, and they’re ridiculously cheap. Less than a dollar for an enormous croissant that tastes like it came out of a Parisian boulangerie! I am still stunned by how good they are and can’t wait to make some more. I will never have a house without them again. I wouldn’t dare. Croissants make me so happy.

Friday:

Why don’t you experiment and find out how much sleep you need a night to function at your very best? I was an utter fool last night — I am the only person to blame, though I would rather blame my circumstances: I was counseling people, getting teeth removed, working two jobs, and trying to get my hair washed a couple times a week… But, whatever. I had to read a massive book and write an essay on the Confederacy in modern society. I did it, too, but I did not sleep last night. I worked all through the small hours of the morning. Dumb, but it’s what I had to do. I am not feeling the ill effects of my sleepless night just yet, but I have concerns. I haven’t done this in years. I’m an old man now. I need my king sized pillow top mattress with Egyptian cotton sheets. Sleep, dear and beloved readers.