Why Don’t You? #103



Why don’t you teach yourself a dead language? I think it would be ever so helpful to know Latin. It’s the root of so much, and yet these days hardly anybody knows it. I wish they hadn’t dumped it from school curriculums the way they exorcised cursive. That’s never made any sense to me. I love cursive. It’s kind of a dead language of its own… Anyway, I’m teaching myself Ancient Egyptian for the millionth time, but this time it seems to be working. Treat yourself to a useful/useless bit of knowledge, reader.


Why don’t you throw every dish and every piece of silverware from your kitchen and replace it with gorgeous little things from your favorite shops? (Life is lived better when you can throw everything into the dishwasher.) Your cupboards will be minimized, and you can lead an intensely less stressful life with nice IKEA dishes and lovely forks from the World Market. Keep your nice china, of course, but for the everyday, give something economical and dishwasher safe a try!


Why don’t you live like a Hollywood celebrity, like they allegedly do, and guzzle gallons of water every day? They claim it makes you feel energetic and that your skin glows. I have never found this to be true. But, like a less exhausting Gwyneth Paltrow, I do try. Give it a go, reader, it’s not likely that water will kill you. Well, then again, it certainly could. So, be careful, but live like a starlet.


Why don’t you replace all of your lightbulbs with as many watts as you can and then BASK in their glow? Last night, I got my tax returns back and decided to treat myself. I was LIVING in the lightbulb aisle and replaced a bunch of mine that had burned out or were too dim. My office was much too dark and two of the weird futuristic bulbs in my kitchen had bit the dust. Now, everything effing glows — my home is radiant. Buy lightbulbs!


Why don’t you buy yourself fresh flowers every week? (Or maybe even subscribe to a floral delivery service!) In the spring and summer, when everything is sumptuously in bloom, I make a weekly bouquet. It’s absolutely massive, rather like the monstrous displays you see at the Ritz in London. (Have you ever been, reader? You simply must! Treat yourself.) The other day I bought a cheap bouquet at Walmart, trimmed it up to look a bit fancier, and then put them in a vase beside my bed. Seeing them when I wake up is so luxurious. It’s a bit like being back at the Winter Palace in Luxor. (Have you ever been, reader? You simply must! Treat yourself.) There, when your room is serviced, they leave beautiful flowers on the bed and in the bathroom. It’s such a elegant touch. Buy yourself fresh flowers, reader; live your best life.

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