Monday:

Why don’t you start a savings account for a vacation home? (I’ve surely suggested this before, but I’m not willing to dive back into a hundred of these posts to check on that.) I don’t even own my own home here in America, but I’ll probably buy one in Egypt before I do that. That’s dumb. But America is hella pricey. Like…you don’t even understand if you haven’t been to a low-income nation. You can buy three liters of water for less than a dollar. I can’t wait to have a West Bank villa overlooking some wonderful ancient ruin or maybe along the Nile. Y’all can visit when I rent it out on AirBNB.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you treat yourself to a luxurious new grooming product? I bought a $40 facial hair trimmer last week and fell madly in love with it. Then I left it to charge on the side of the sink. Somehow…it was knocked off overnight and the blade shattered. I had it all of eight hours, but a replacement is winging its way to me now. You should upgrade whatever dreary necessary grooming tools you have, reader. I felt like an elegant member of aristocracy buzzing off my fast-growing but patchy beard. Maybe you will, too.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you dress like the woman who passed me yesterday on the way to Ames? She wore a huge purple hat, a purple coat, a purple balaclava over her face, and bright turquoise dishwashing gloves. All you could see was her mysterious eyes. She was fabulous, and I want to know everything about her. Was she going to a Hamburgler convention, was she a superhero, was she dressed this way for religious reasons, was she a criminal on the run? I need to know. Dress like a mystery, dear reader.

Thursday:

Why don’t you sell an organ on the black market and buy that new shiny black iPhone? I don’t even need it…but I want it. I want to throw it in the pool and smirk. I want to wirelessly stream music to my ears. I want to brag and boast with a giant, shiny phone. I still dearly love my golden iPhone Six Plus with the fingerprint scanner, but technology marches on. The prices are prohibitive, but I have to have it. Who needs a kidney? I don’t need both.

Friday:

Why don’t you take some advice from caterpillars and metamorphose into a beautiful butterfly? Don’t get me wrong, I love my current look, which is “Budget Harry Styles Discovers Goodwill,” and I will forever and always wear floral print silk shirts, but I’m craving a new look. My current thought is to get big, clear, lucite glasses, Hollywood blonde hair, and shit tons of black and camel colored clothing. I need to schedule my transformation. If you have any suggestions for the next iteration of me, comment below!