Monday:

Why don’t you wash your windows? They’re filthy and you know it. I pride myself on keeping up appearances and staying tidy and all that, but I don’t remember the last time I washed my windows. I remember mixing up a cleaning solution and scouring recycling bins for newspaper, but that could have been years ago when I bought Martha Stewart’s home keeping manual. Yesterday, I cleaned the interior windows in my kitchen, and it is remarkable how clear window glass can be! I still need to do the outside of them, but this little bit of work has made an incredible difference. Go wash, readers.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you take a vacation at a local hotel for the weekend? I have been feeling awfully stressed lately, like I don’t have enough time or money or energy to accomplish anything. It’s really quite overwhelming. Probably why I’ve been talking about becoming a Romanian hay farmer for nearly a month. Maybe if I went to a Hilton for a couple nights and luxuriated with room service and a book I’d feel like myself again. Maybe I will? Or maybe I’ll go to that Des Lux hotel downtown. They were filming some movie there the other day. Oh I like this idea. You can run away at home. Fabulous.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you thank the people in your life that have made an impact on you? I’ve never done this, but I should. Vincent Price has changed me, reader. I listened to a podcast featuring his daughter yesterday, and I have been completely charmed by the man. He was very much like me, interested in everything and deeply in love with the world. He would go out of his way to encourage people and thank those that helped him. What a gentleman! It’d be so nice to hear that you made a positive change in somebody’s life.

Thursday:

Why don’t you skip all of your nightly obligations for once and just relax? When I go home from work, I have to take classes and exercise and study and cook and clean and try to get enough sleep. It’s not possible. I know it’s not possible to do all the things I need to do, but I keep trying. And I’ll probably lose my mind completely at some point. It’s important to relax a bit. I need to relax more. I won’t, but once in a great while, just do a whole bunch of nothing and relish in it.

Friday:

Why don’t you get yourself a bunch of self help books and help yourself? I’ve instinctively done this all my life. I can’t tell you the titles anymore, but I would read books on etiquette and mental health and alternative spirituality as I was growing up. I think I internalized all of that and bloomed into the creation that I am today. I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I suppose this probably made a profound impact. I recently downloaded The Science of the Mind by Ernest Holmes. Cassandra Peterson, the woman who plays Elvira, said that this book hugely changed her life. Maybe it will do the same to mine and I will be the next Queen of Halloween?