Monday:

Why don’t you just accept that some classics are awful and boring and not worth your time? Is there anything more painful than reading Moby Dick or Hamlet? I am no fan of reading Shakespeare. I enjoy seeing his work performed on stage as it was intended, but having to read through the lines is enough to make me pour a second martini. Classics are only classics because we’re told they’re classics. Ignore customs, reader, and have some fun.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you let your hair air dry limply and see what it actually looks like? Ever since growing my luscious locks out, I have either tossed it up in a bun when wet or blow dried the mass of hair. Inevitably, when it dried in these ways, it formed limp and hideous curls. I thought that I would never be beautiful again, but then I went to California and noticed that my hair was stunning. Like a movie star. So, last night, I washed and conditioned, and then I let it just dry and I shrieked. Ringlets formed, it was wavy too, I was stunning. I wish I had the ability to wake up in the morning to wash my hair, but that will literally never ever happen all my life. So, oh well.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you, as I have suggested many times to many people, go and take a nap? I haven’t had much sleep since my return from California. There’s just too much to do all the damn time, so I’ve been chugging along on a little under five hours a night for the past week. It’s not fun. I feel like a stumbling corpse, but that’s normal. So, take my advice and go take a nap. Do it for me since I can’t. It’ll be like this for two more weeks. Ugh.

Thursday:

Why don’t you leave an iPhone charger in every room of your house? Then, if you are anything like me and you pass out from total exhaustion and wake up concerned at three o’clock in the morning, you can stumble over to the nearest outlet and plug your phone in before exhaustion claims you. And then, you can fall back into blissful unconsciousness. Maybe you’re better at managing your chronic fatigue than me if you have it. Maybe I should get some kind of medicine. I’m so tired. And my phone is dead. Le sigh…

Friday:

Why don’t go searching for authentic foreign foods that you love near where you live? Recently I have been startled by the delightful nearness of Middle Eastern cuisine that is authentic and fresh and fabulous. Pammel Grocery in Ames makes FUL!!!! And there are fabulous falafels and grape leaves at Open Sesame in Des Moines!!! How blessed I am, even in this hellhole. Eat, readers.