Monday:

Why don’t you get yourself hypnotized so that you can eradicate your proclivity to procrastinate or whatever else ails you? I can’t imagine how much better my life would be if I got to work when I needed to instead of literally everything off until the last moment. I have long joked that I am going to live forever because I am going to procrastinate death itself. I want to go under hypnosis and figure out what it is that ails my brain and refuses to let me accomplish things with ease and speed. I can’t be forever doomed to stress all the time about getting things done on time. Ugh.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you buy yourself a 3D printer, so that I can print out a full-size version of the bust of Nefertiti without having to pay some exorbitant and prohibitive fee from the local shops? I have long had a massive file on my laptop’s desktop of Nefertiti, the beloved wife of the heretic pharaoh, Akhenaten. The next time I visit Egypt, which can’t be soon enough, I hope to finally journey to Amarna, the city that Akhenaten founded on the principle of his new religion. And I want a copy of the bust. All the ones commercially available are monstrously bad. I have never seen a good one. So, only the real deal will do. I’m just waiting for this technology to become affordable. I don’t have thousands of dollars for a custom resin print job right now. Sad.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you take all of your clothing to a laundry service to wash and dry and fold your outfits for you? I don’t mind doing laundry. I actually enjoy it tremendously, but I hate wrinkles. I try everything I can to avoid getting out the iron, but I don’t have this skill mastered. I always enjoy when I’m at hotels and people do my laundry for me and put it back in my closet for me, and I guess what I’m saying is I want to live the rest of my life in a suite at the Winter Palace and that would make me the happiest man alive.

Thursday:

Why don’t you add a reminder to your calendar so the you remember buy discounted candy canes once Christmas has come to an end? All my life, I’ve loved candy canes and working them down to dangerously sharp points whilst enjoying the peppermint. Now that I’m ancient, I like to stick one in my coffee in the morning. I feel so festive. Candy canes are not expensive, they’re barely $1.50, but this is a burden compared to the quarter they will be in January. I need a room stuffed out bursting with boxes upon boxes of them. I want to be enjoying candy canes in August.

Friday:

Why don’t you do some kind of tribal dance, sacrifice something, and then pray to Beyoncé that we get out early tomorrow? It’s the middle of December and we haven’t had but a dusting of snow. I am fabulously okay with that, reader, don’t get me wrong, but I love a snow day. There is nothing more luxurious than being forced to stay at home. You have eight extra hours to chill and get stuff done. I could do my online Christmas shopping or decorate my tree or take a nap or watch a movie or do nothing at all. Please, weather gods, send me home!