Monday:

Why don’t you make a list of your top ten moments of 2016 so that you can reflect on all that’s happened and notice that not every single moment was an agony? I’m working on a post for the end of the year to replace that behemoth recap I used to do religiously. I don’t have the time anymore, and I think this will be much cheerier. I’m already having a lot more fun; and I think you will, too! Reflect readers! Remember.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you find yourself a knockoff of a designer clothing piece that has been obsessing you? Ever since I saw Harry Styles stomping around LA in Saint Laurent jodhpur boots in camel suede, I have NEEDED them. Like, reader, I can’t explain how much I want those boots or for how long I’ve longed for them. When I was in LA a couple years ago, I literally stood paralyzed in front of the Saint Laurent shop on Rodeo Drive, forcing myself to stay outside and not spend a thousand dollars on shoes. I finally found a similar pair at ALDO for $155 and I snapped them right up. Worth every penny I didn’t have. I feel so good about my feet.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you drink cheap champagne out of antique champagne glasses and dance around your kitchen? You’ve all heard how many compliments I have to shower upon cheap André champagne. Well, last night I discovered that it tastes even fancier when poured into a tiny antique champagne coupe. So, get thee to an antiquarian shop at once and procure a set. They’re always there. I found this batch for like ten dollars for twenty of them, and they were some of the best money I’ve ever spent. I feel like such a classy broad sipping my cheap champagne and pretending I’m on a transatlantic ocean liner. It’s fabulous.

Thursday:

Why don’t you buy memory foam inserts for your new boots to make them an even better purchase? My brand new suede boots which I love more than life itself were sized oddly. I normally wear a 12, but the 11s fit me and were loose. So I think ALDO needs to recalibrate their foot sizing devices or whatever they do to figure out shoe sizes. I’ve never understood that anyway. Why aren’t the sizes just how many centimeters your foot is? And why aren’t cobblers custom making our shoes anymore? Anyway, I grabbed some memory foam inserts and now my boots are perfectly molded to me, so I’m feeling blessed. Even more blessed.

Friday:

Why don’t you learn to do the things that you probably should already know how to do so you don’t flail about like you’re in the Simple Life in a parking lot when its negative ten degrees? This might be a very specific suggestion, but don’t be like me. In the car I drive, that liquid stuff stopped coming out and then the windows got hella dirty. So I kept muttering, “Blue stuff, blue stuff, blue stuff…” as I scoured the aisles of Walmart. Turns out that it’s called antifreeze and comes in all sorts of colors, and I bought a purple one. Putting it in the car was an act of god. Why are hoods so hard to pop and why aren’t there built in funnels and half of that crap was poured accidentally onto the parking lot…but my windows are clean again! Learn how to live, reader.