Monday:

Why don’t you get a little coffee machine for your bedroom and hook up all of your lamps to a timer and then have the television programmed to come on so that some force of God will get you out of bed? You don’t know how hard I try to be a morning person, reader. I would love to rise with the sun, slip into a robe, and smile contentedly at the sunrise with a pot of tea, but that just won’t happen. I have tried literally every method of waking up. I used to leave fresh croissants rising on the counter so that I would force myself to bake them off for breakfast, but they just went to waste. Maybe coffee and timers and angry televisions will get my sleepy ass up and into the day?

Tuesday:

Why don’t you slather your entire body, head to toe, in coconut oil? This trendy product really does do wonders. It’s a miraculous substance that I can’t get enough of. There’s no power in heaven that’s going to get me to consume it, though. I read a strange article that talked about adding a smidgen to your rice as it cooked and some kind of alchemical process would happen and the calories in the rice would be greatly reduced. I’m not sure how that’s possible. I’m no chemist. But I love coconut oil as a deep hair conditioner and as a moisturizer. I’m as soft as a fleece blanket right now, reader, and my hair has never been more shiny. Live your best life!

Wednesday:

Why don’t you plan a summer vacation in a remote place that tourists often ignore? That’s why I want so frequently to go to Romania. I think it’d be just grand to explore the villages of Transylvania and read and muse. I am also thinking of more obscure French villages. I haven’t seen all the big cities in that wonderful country, yet, but there are a number of towns that are drawing me in more than a return to Nice or an exploration of Lyon or Strasbourg. I want to spend weeks in Figèac, the birthplace of Champollion, and I want to spend just as long in Perpignan, a charming looking city near the Spanish border. I’ll just live my best summer life. It’d be grand. Got to get planning.

Thursday:

Why don’t you retrain your brain to enjoy and crave things you never liked before? When I first became a vegetarian, I was worried that I would fail utterly because I never really consumed many vegetables or much of anything but chicken and rice before. Before long, I was needing broccoli and lentils and chickpeas for my sanity. Now that I’m trying to do the Mediterranean diet, I have had to reprogram my mind to enjoy red wine. To my utter surprise, after a week, I now really enjoy a glass of Merlot. I never thought such a thing was possible, but anything is. Reeducate your brain, reader!

Friday:

Why don’t you take up something that nobody would expect you to do? All day I have wanted to throw darts. I have done this maybe twice in my life and have never been any good. But wouldn’t it be fabulous to nonchalantly toss a dart into the center of a ring and blow everybody away with your unlikely skill? I think so. It would be handy in a bar somewhere, I suppose, or just to have the confidence that you could win a dart duel if you ever had to. Be exceptional, reader!