Monday:
Why don’t you start doing an itty bitty little bit of exercise each day and see what happens? I have been slowly getting back into shape since the first of the year. Not a New Year’s resolution or anything nonsensical like that, I was just sick of not having my clothes fit. Reader, I broke two belts in one week. So I’ve been doing pushups and squats and walking more, and it’s strange how much stronger and better I already feel. It’s quite nice. I don’t like exercise at all — and I never will — but it’s all right to be a bit more fit.

Tuesday:

Why don’t you buy only the essentials at the grocery store and force yourself to clean out your overflowing refrigerator and cupboards? Also, why don’t you tell me if I’ve posted this suggestion before? I feel that I have. Who cares. I have tons of weird things in cans and bags and wrappers that I’ve picked up at grocery stores all over. I either need to toss them out or make use of them. Any ideas how I can combine barley, fava beans, hibiscus flowers, and cellophane noodles?? Surely I’ll use them somehow.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you treat yourself to a lovely new pair of shoes? I think this is advice you should follow every payday, because few things are lovelier than a new pair of shoes. Don’t you feel marvelous stomping around in new boots? I know I do. If I wasn’t saving up for a couple trips, I would take myself immediately to ALDO for a new pair of boots. There are two different pairs I’m looking at, and I have to have them both! Maybe I’ll get a pair with my tax returns? Yes, that’s an excellent idea. I can’t wait for my tax money!

Thursday:

Why don’t you write a letter to the “president” and tell him he’s a blithering idiot. We’ve all known that for years, but now that he’s in office, it’s becoming increasingly apparent. Walls are awful, but they don’t do much of anything. What gets me much more, and you can read about this in last week’s LOVE/HATE posting, is his declaration that he wants to bring back water boarding and other forms of torture. This is so dangerous, and stupid, and any fool with a passing grade in any Politics of Terror class would know better. I think I will write a letter after all, I was just being dramatic at first, but I am livid.

Friday:

Why don’t you forget about your debt and make your dreams come true? I force myself to do this once in awhile so that I don’t forget that life is marvelous, magical, and worth living. So, this weekend, I’m going to book my spring break trip. I’m going to attempt a budget jaunt to New York City to see the Sunset Boulevard revival. It will be so good to see a show I’ve dreamed of since I was in my apartment in Paris, staring out on the snow-dusted streets of the Marais as Glenn Close and Patti LuPone belted out “With One Look.” It’ll be fabulous and worth every penny I spend. Why stay home when the world’s out there?