Monday:

Why don’t you buy unreasonably cheap red wine at ALDI’s and then let it breathe and be blown away by the transformation it undergoes? I’m already absurdly delighted at how good $3 wine is from ALDI, and even though I’m an insufferable snob when it comes to everything, I don’t see any reason to spend any more on red wine. This shit is delicious. I was told that if you aerate red wine, it really brings out more…of something…in the wine, so feeling pretentious, I poured a glass and swirled it mindlessly whist doing some homework. It really did become better. I’m stunned. Yasssss, Blinking Owl Merlot, you did so good!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you memorize something important to you so that you don’t have to rely on the internet for every little thing? Back when I was a lad…seriously…we didn’t have phones in our pockets or easily accessible computers. We had to write and memorize and pore over books. The other day I felt quite ridiculous because I didn’t know if Merenptah came before Ramses II or Ramses III in Egyptian history. So I decided to memorize the chronology of the pharaohs. Today whilst on my death bed, I memorized all of the Eighteenth Dynasty, and I feel quite fabulous about it. Do the same, reader, fill your brains. Be a Renaissance Man or Woman or anything you want.

Wednesday:

Why don’t you burn some incense and make an offering to all the gods that ever existed for my health? Not the multiple sclerosis business. I have pills for that. I need you to send an offering to restore my health because I have a cold. I can see you roll your eyes, but I’ve been bedridden for the past two days. I’ve never been so bored in the entirety of my life. I’m finally feeling a bit more like myself. I actually cooked dinner and stood up so I must be recovering. A blessed thought to the universe never hurt, though, did it, reader?

Thursday:

Why don’t you slowly change what you eat so that you get into better health? I don’t believe in going crazy with diets, because I did that once and then I developed an eating disorder, so I try to be reasonable now. This week I have cut butter out of my lunch. That doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it’s a small step. Instead of putting butter on my brown rice, I add half an avocado, chopped up nori, and soy sauce. Now my lunch is vegan and tastier than before. And there are more calories in this version, but they’re healthier calories than butter, so oh well. I’m living my best life.

Friday:

Why don’t you have a picture of yourself blown up to monstrous size in very pale grey and then color it in with the medium of your choice? Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about a lovely image of myself moodily looking away from the Theban mountains on my balcony at my beloved Winter Palace. It’d be just beautiful in watercolors.

I found a service that does this online for hella cheap, so I’m going to do it. Why not? When completed, it might just prompt me to get my upstairs parlor painted and decorated. My watercolor portrait will be a stunning centerpiece.