Monday:

Why don’t you buy yourself a dozen alarm clocks to ensure that you will never sleep in too late? I am pretty good about getting up…usually…and make your own jokes. I mean, I hit snooze and everything, but the latest to work I’ve ever been is a few minutes. Somehow, though, this weekend, I took a nap and woke up sixteen hours later. I can’t quite figure out what caused this. I didn’t miss out on anything, and I feel supremely refreshed, so that’s great. But I wasted so much time! Oh well!

Tuesday:

Why don’t you spend a day, oddly focused, and do all the things you’ve been putting off for days or weeks or months…or years? Yesterday, I had the opportunity to do some work, and I was oddly focused, and I got so much done. If only I did this every single day! Now I just need to get around to decorating the Christmas tree, buying a menorah, and editing the novel I finished writing two years ago. Lolz…it’ll be a miracle if the tree gets decorated let alone editing a 350-page novel. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Wednesday:

Why don’t you buy a case of your favorite champagne and keep it constantly chilled in a wine chiller? I see these on sale all the time, and it’s folly that I don’t own one of these splendid devices. Last night a friend and I split a bottle of the most delicious champagne, and I’m still dreaming of it. It was a rosé brût, too, and I quite nearly lost my mind at how delicious it was. If only I could pull out a bottle at every happy moment and toast life whenever it seems a bit grander than usual. That’d be perfect.

Thursday:

Why don’t you put egg salad in a tortilla and have the best damn brunch of your life? You read about this in last week’s Love/Hate blog, so you may be familiar, but I was dying last week. In a fever dream, I imagined myself eating tacos stuffed with egg salad. So, when I became conscious again, I made them, and they were insane. I made a curried egg salad and topped it with cheese and stuffed it into a charred street taco tortilla. It was so good. I need to open a brunch restaurant. Oh my god.

Friday:

Why don’t you learn how to dine alone and love it? One of the greatest pleasures in life is going to a fine restaurant and being treated like royalty whilst sipping champagne. I’ve done this many times, and oftentimes people ask me, “Why? I don’t go to restaurants alone. How sad!” These people are missing out on a great experience. When you dine alone, you get to luxuriate in elegance and moments of quiet. And better yet, if you take a little notepad along with you, look around intently, and scribble notes on occasion, the staff might think you’re a critic and give you a free dessert without mentioning why. This has happened more than once for me. I mean, it might just be because I’m charming, but I’m dubious.